Andragogy In Action

Kid Lit Review: Peter Pan in Scarlet

2012-01-24T21:33:00.001-05:00

Peter Pan in Scarlet was the first up in my kid's lit list for this year. I finally ~~read~~ listened to the original Peter Pan while walking on the treadmill earlier this month. I wanted to ~~read~~ hear it before beginning the first authorized sequel to J.M. Barrie's classic.

Peter Pan in Scarlet is o.k. It was an quick, easy read, but tended to drag a bit in places. I think it would appeal more to Robotson than the original. That said, it had some very interesting characters and places. Even more interesting were those very same characters and places as they were first described turned out to be completely different by the end of the book. It sort of mirrored the way the Ravelling Man could never quite be gotten a hold of. I also quite liked the illustrations and the imagery in the book. Both created a very vivid pictures in my head.

Overall, I think kids who liked the original would enjoy this one too.

Is there something to do?

2012-01-15T22:50:00.002-05:00

January is not my favorite month. I've got too much to do.

Aperture needs to be cleaned up, masters moved out, backed up, and I still need to put together the yearly photos of the kids.

Speaking of photos, I need to go through my 2011 folder that I've dumped all of my iPhone photos into over the year and weed out 90%. Yesterday I managed to get through Jan and Feb. There are still 2,799 photos in there. Is it too much to think I might accomplish this before the month is over?

Add in the changing to vegan therefore spending too much damn time in the kitchen. Plus I want to actually read this year and participate in book clubs. Then there is that homeschooling thing I am supposed to keep up with. The house will need an occasional cleaning, I guess.

I'm already tired and we are only two weeks in. I am determined though. I can sleep when I'm dead, right?

Children's Literature

2011-12-31T15:51:00.007-05:00

I love that we have so many books. Honestly, I wish every wall in our house was filled with books, but the trouble with that is finding the time to read them. I especially love that we have so many books for the kids. I love reading with them, but sometimes they don't want to read what I think sounds good! So I've decided to pick up my reading for 2012, and I want to read one of the kid's books for myself each month as well. I'm going to make a list, but you know how those go....sometimes I stick to them and sometimes I don't. In no particular order, these are the ones I want to check out in the coming months:

The Wright 3 by Blue Balliett

The Borrowers by Mary Norton

Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen

Trollbridge: A Rock 'N' Roll Fairy Tale by Jane Yolen and Adam Stemple

Surviving the Applewhites by Stephanie Tolan

Peter Pan in Scarlet by Geraldine McCaughrean

The Thief and the Beanstalk by P. W. Catanese

The View from Saturday by E. L. Konigsburg

The Shakespeare Stealer by Gary Blackwood

Utterly Me, Clarice Bean by Lauren Child

The Moffats by Eleanor Estes

Arabel and Mortimer by Joan Aiken

Invasive species

2011-12-01T15:41:00.001-05:00

It's December 1st and we still have ants. What is particularly annoying about them is that they are in places that make no sense. They don't get into the kitchen or the animals' food. They are in the bathrooms (o.k. that makes sense because they are looking for water), on the bannisters, and hanging out on one wall in the living room. I'm glad they aren't getting into food. I am not glad that I feel like I still have to eliminate every single one of them or they will eventually find food. See, when they get into something there is a traceable path and you can stop it. When they are just randomly wandering it is impossible to figure out where they are coming from.

I feel like this is a metaphor for something in my life.

I am tired of looking for ants. I am really tired of them even still being active this year.

Kindsight

2011-10-22T13:02:00.000-04:00

A friend posted this on Facebook this morning. I thought it was a pretty good reminder. Then the same message showed up in the movie Delgo that the kids were watching. I like this.

2011-10-21T23:39:00.001-04:00

I know I have to stop beating myself up over the past, but when I read things like this I feel terrible.

The study showed that a mother's stress system can be compromised by becoming either overactive or underactive. In mothers with higher depressive symptoms, stress responses were "hyperactive," the researchers found. These moms' heart rate patterns began higher, then spiked when their toddler was upset. After the mom was reunited with the child, their heart rate pattern remained elevated. During the free-play sessions, mothers with hyperactive stress responses engaged in the highest levels of hostility with their toddler, including derogatory comments, angry tone of voice, and rough physical interaction.

Although the popular image of depression is of someone who is listless and sad, Sturge-Apple points out that the study confirms what clinicians have long observed: that depression in mothers sometimes is linked to harsh, highly reactive parenting, not subdued mothering. This study helps to explain the biological basis of such behavior; the stress response systems of moms suffering from depression are on high alert, oversensitive to social stressors and unable to calm down, explains Sturge-Apple.

I am *still* like this. That last sentence is my awful truth. Robotson has felt the brunt of this. I hate that many of his current issues are probably related to my issues and I hate that it's still affecting us.

I am feeling better though. It's been a little crazy around here with all the running around, plus the job changes, and lifestyle changes. Perhaps it was just the stress of it all that got to me. I think we may be stabilizing a bit at least on the job/money front. I'm sort of looking forward to the cooler weather and the excuse to stay home more.

2011-10-18T19:51:00.000-04:00

When I'm not feeling very good I don't like being touched. This is sort of a problem because I don't live alone.

I don't like when I tell the kids not to hang on me, but sometimes I feel so uncomfortable I feel like I might scream or push them away.

Lately I've been trying to breathe through it. This is extremely difficult and usually I can't concentrate on anything else. Interestingly, my mom never liked to be touched. She never said why, it's just something I know about her. I'm doing better than her at least in that I'm raising three kids who still like human contact. Hopefully they always have that in spite of my issues. Hopefully this is a temporary setback and I'll feel better and more human soon.

2011-10-17T19:45:00.000-04:00

I feel a little foolish noting when I am feeling blue, but this is probably the best way for me to see patterns. So here I am feeling sad. It's not exactly the same this time. For example, I only cry occasionally, but usually when I do I also have the self-loathing in my head. It scares me a little how easily I can slip into that without realizing it's happening. I do eventually hear it and try to stop, but honestly sometimes I don't have the energy. That scares me too. But there are other times, like today when I felt like I could cry, but I never did and it didn't suddenly avalanche into something more.

I think part of the trigger is feeling overwhelmed. Part of my self-hatred is that I can't handle this normal part of life. Lots of people feel overwhelmed so why can't I just deal with it without getting weepy. It's there in that sentence. When I read that sentence I can see the sneer; see the contempt for how pathetic I am. I can't give myself a break which is a big part of the problem when I'm depressed. Asking for help is not acceptable. I try to break this cycle by asking for help anyway, but it's not there. I need another me. I need someone who doesn't need everything spelled out for them, written down, explained over and over, and that will understand that I like things done a certain way. Taking the time to learn how I like things done is basically the same as saying "We care about you and your feelings." Saying you care while also saying that you just can't see the value in doing something a certain way is not the same. My family like their food or their toys or their projects a certain way. I'm not perfect, but I've learned most of these preferences and really try to keep them in mind. When I forget I apologize. I understand not being mindful or being mad and not caring, but most of the time I really do try. It doesn't feel like that for my preferences. I get told it's too hard, doesn't make sense, they don't care, they forgot, or just plain ignored. So then I start to feel like I should just do it because at least I don't have to explain or fight with myself, and then I get overwhelmed. This is where I am right now. I'm tired and I'm slipping into bad feelings and I need help. Maybe I need help for my brain, but I also need help at home. I just don't have the energy to detail and explain it all out. Especially not when most of what I say won't even happen and then more energy will be spent getting upset.

I could just choose to not get upset. I could just take what I get. Oh how I wish I could do that. I feel like I've tried, but it still bugs me. I wish it didn't and then I hate myself for not being able to just get over it. I get stuck there hating myself for not doing it all, hating everyone else for not helping me the way I want, and hating myself for hating myself.

It's October too. What if it gets worse?

It's been a month...

2011-10-12T23:04:00.002-04:00

...since I've written about photography or Elements.   I've been continuing to mull things over though. There are a few more thoughts I've had on the subject.

1. I'm not a great photographer. I see photos every single day that amaze me. Most are taken by people who have basically the same equipment that I have, and live normal busy lives like I do, but they see things. I look at their photos and I wonder why I don't see those things. Part of the answer is that I feel like I don't have the time. Sometimes I see beauty, but I'm rushing off somewhere and there is no time to stop and compose a shot. Most of the time, I bet I miss it completely. I'm tired of always being in a rush to go or do something.

It's not just about seeing things, it's about showing you what I've seen through the photo. I'm pretty good at that, but not great. My stuff doesn't look or even make me feel like other's photos do. I know what I think is great and it's not what I can do right now.

2. Another thought I had about photography is that I care entirely too much what other people think, while at the same time I dislike the praise. I want people to love all of my pictures, but I feel incredibly embarrassed when I'm told. What the hell is wrong with me? More importantly though, why can't I just do it for me? I say that I take pictures for me and when I am actually physically taking them - it really is. But afterwards, the only way to keep the good feelings about what I've done is to not show them to anyone.   Once I put them out there I get too emotionally involved with them. It's not a good feeling.

I read on Tiny Buddha today that to be successful, first you need to define success for yourself. Then you know your goals and priorities. The article also said success is dynamic. So what you may think is success one day, can and probably will be different the next.   I don't know what success is or how to figure it out. I am lost. For the first time in my life I wish I was alone so I could think. I've never been, or ever wanted to be alone before. Now more than anything I wish I was forced to be silent and face my own thoughts and feelings until I know who I am.

Mom's Craft Night

2011-09-13T10:37:00.002-04:00

I bought a camera strap

2011-09-11T23:53:00.002-04:00

This one.

So I figured even if photography isn't my thing, I do often wish I had my camera with me. The most popular advice on the photography blogs that I follow is keep your camera with you. Kids make it harder to do this, though it's gotten easier as they've gotten older. Hopefully the strap will make it even easier, especially since other pieces of advice on those blogs are things like shoot with only one lens for a while and take fewer pictures. No need to keep my camera bag with me if all I need is the lens on the camera and one CF card. This should be interesting.

I was thinking I should update my photo blog. The theme I was using is broken which totally bums me out. I guess I'll look for something different or just change to a regular format. Part of me wants to post one photo per day, but after a while it becomes more of a chore than something fun. I feel like I should try to force myself though. Like writers need to write something every single day, I should try to shoot something every day. Maybe tomorrow I can work on the theme for the blog - see if I can fix the current one, or find something new.

Her Tribe

2011-09-10T12:23:00.002-04:00

One of my favorite bloggers recently wrote about her tribe. It's a beautiful piece and a wonderful example of what Sir Ken was describing in The Element.

Blah Blah Element Blah Blah

2011-09-06T00:02:00.000-04:00

If your tired of reading about Elements you might want to skip this one.

One thing about finding my Element that I've danced around, but is always in my head is the that I might be able to once again contribute in a meaningful way to my family. Meh, I know being a full-time mom and homeschooling is contributing. Whatever. I feel like a leech. It's been years since I've done anything that pays me money. I don't want a J.O.B. I want to do something that moves me and if it happens to bring in some money, that's awesome too. I don't mean I want to get rich. I just want to feel like I have a purpose because it's been a long time since I felt that. I didn't love working for EarthLink, but at least I got paid. I loved working for MindSpring though. I truly did. If MindSpring still existed and hadn't changed much culturally I think I'd still be there and the kids would be in school. Is that bad? I just really loved everything about that company.

Back to Elements though. Maybe finding my passion would be enough even if it didn't make money, but since I don't have passion or a job...

Maybe if I could be in love with doing something and it paid me money then I could. What? Relieve B from having to work so much/at all? I don't know.

I watched Fierce Light: Where Spirit Meets Action last night. It was beautiful, you should watch it. It's available on Netflix streaming. Anyway, it made me want to do *something* anything. Is this so hard because I am over-thinking it? (Duh, right.) Or is it hard because I am being stubborn? (Is it????) Or is it hard because it's all bullshit? Fuck.

Content or scared?

2011-09-04T23:06:00.001-04:00

If I am honestly thinking about finding my Element, I should consider the possibility that I am afraid of success.

There are plenty of areas in which I am not content, but what stops me is not fear of success. It's lack of willpower or motivation or willing to make the necessary changes permanently.

But what about the P word? Am I content or afraid? Don't know, but I'll be thinking about it.

One small step

2011-09-03T20:02:00.001-04:00

Today was shit. I've been in a mood all day and several of the things I was looking forward to just didn't happen. So when I was sitting there trying to come up with what on earth to eat for dinner, my mind immediately wandered to pizza, Doritos, soda, alcohol, and ice cream. I began to form a plan in my mind to run to the grocery and pick up anything that struck my fancy so I could veg out in front of the t.v. Even though it's 90 degrees outside, I felt that pants were probably a better choice so I got up the change clothes. Well my "fat" jeans were tight sending me into a panic. Here I was planning to gorge myself and already I can't fit into my clothes. Well to be fair, these jeans are still a size 10 and they did fit, but they were tighter than I was hoping they'd be. Also to be fair, my legs are swelling today. I'm not sure if it's the driving I did, or the standing I've been doing more of lately, or maybe just that time of the month. Anyway, I was upset. So then I swing in the other direction of I'm not eating anything for a week. Very sane of me, yes?

Somehow in the crazy I managed to hear myself say that we had plenty of food here. Most likely it was the hunger making me think I could eat all night anyway. All I really needed to do was get something into my stomach. Something. What something? I opened a can of olives and devoured it. But then I felt better and thought maybe some rice and beans would be good so I started to boil some wild rice and ate an orange. Finally I was feeling sane. I drank water and had a handful of dark chocolate covered blueberries. Now I feel full and the rice isn't even done cooking.

I thought I wanted comfort food, but what I really want is for the people in my life to have as much confidence in themselves as I have in them. I want them to be happy. I want them to take deep breaths when it gets scary and remember that the important things are people not bills. The chances of us ever starving to death or being truly homeless are pretty much zero. It's not impossible, but so many people would have to be dead before that would happen. I want comfort for my the people that I love, not for me.

Now if I can only remember this the next time I feel like the only thing that will make things better is Baskin Robbins.

Aside from the obvious fact that I need to learn to love myself as I am right now, I need to learn how to nourish my body when it's hurting - not hurt it more. I may still overeat tonight and end up sitting in front of a movie trying to forget my worries, but I'll have a bowl of rice and black beans in front of me instead of Doritos.

Still on about my Element

2011-08-30T11:59:00.004-04:00

Near the end of The Element, I finally read something that clicked specifically with me. In the chapter For Love or Money, Sir Ken talks about the difference between an amateur and professional. We generally see amateurs as people who aren't capable of being pros. But the definition of amateur is, "a person who engages in a study, sport, or other activity for pleasure rather than for financial benefit or professional reasons."

When I read this I literally had to put the book down and remember to shut my mouth. Seems so simple! Going back to my rocky relationship with photography it's easy to see that I have no interest in taking pictures for money. In many cases, I don't even want to share the pictures with more than a few people. I take pictures for me and my pleasure. I feel nearly possessive about it.

O.k. this is not a totally new revelation for me. I was talking about it back in May and I've thought about it off and on for a while. Over the years people have suggested I try to get paid, but I have a million excuses why that won't work. It comes across as me having no self-confidence. There is definitely something to that, but that can't be totally it. I've never had as much self-confidence as I do right now and I still don't want to "do" photography. It's kind of sad to go back and read posts from late last year and early this year when I was so into stock photography. It sounds like I gave up, because at the time I was so sure it was going to work. I learned a lot when I was reading those forums and trying to achieve a certain quality level. There are a lot of factors why it didn't work out. It was going to be a full-time job, there aren't a lot of stock photography subjects in my house, and it was boring after a while. I can appreciate a nice photo of an apple, but taking that photo is kind of *yawn*.

Have I come full circle on the photography thing? Am I now thinking it's my Element? I still don't know. Maybe Sir Ken is wrong. I should probably mention that in my thinking. But more likely I just haven't found it yet. I haven't taken the picture that starts it all or met someone from my tribe. Who knows?

Quotation of the Day

2011-08-29T10:45:00.001-04:00

A relevant quotation to The Element.

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."

-Voltaire

Tribes

2011-08-29T01:52:00.001-04:00

Still reading The Element and I got to the part about tribes. Sir Ken says, "For most people, a primary component of being in their Element is connecting with other people who share their passion and a desire to make the most of themselves through it." He goes on, "Tribe members can be collaborators or competitors. They can share the same vision or have utterly different ones. They can be of similar age or from different generations. What connects a tribe is a common commitment to the thing they feel born to do. This can be extraordinarily liberating, especially if you've been pursuing your passion alone."

However tribes are not groups of people who come together for a single purpose such as being a fan of a sports team. That also reminded me of other types of groups that I identify with, but aren't necessarily tribes. Homeschooling groups, atheists, sports fan, former MindSpring employee, and I'm sure many others. The difference between a tribe and a group is that a tribe helps you become more yourself. A group is more likely to absorb you to where you become one of many. What he says below is something I have found is true for me.

"But even in more benign versions, it results in a sense of anonymity that leads people to lose inhibitions and sometimes perform acts they later regret, and in most cases do things outside their normal personalities. In other words, these actions can take you far from your true self."

Lately I've actually noticed this happening. Not that it's something new, but that I never saw it before. Being part of a group is important - I just want to be mindful that I stay myself.

I keep thinking about my Element and now I've been thinking about my tribe. I still don't know where I fit in at this point. I don't mean that to sound like I feel something is missing. What I mean is that I don't know if I've found my Element yet. It may still be photography, but maybe I haven't shot what drives me yet. Or maybe it's something else that I enjoy now, but I can't see it. It could even be something I know deep down, but am afraid to really look at yet.

Regardless I'm enjoying the book and it's inspiring me to read more and look more.

Senses and Intelligence

2011-08-22T01:03:00.000-04:00

Some great points from The Element:

"The other pillar of the Enlightenment was a growing belief in the importance of evidence in support of scientific ideas-- evidence that one could observe through the human senses-- rather than superstition or hearsay."

"The influence of logic and evidence extended beyond the 'hard' sciences. They also shaped the formative theories in the human sciences, including psychology, sociology, anthropology, and medicine."

"So it is that we came to think of real intelligence in terms of logical analysis: believing that rationalist forms of thinking were superior to feeling and emotion, and that the ideas that really count can be conveyed in words or through mathematical expressions."

"Robert Cooper, author of The Other 90%, says that we shouldn't think of intelligence as happening only in the brain in our skulls. He talks of the 'heart' brain and the 'gut' brain. Whenever we have a direct experience, he says, it does not go directly to the brain in our heads. The first place it goes is to the neurological networks of the intestinal tract and heart. He describes the first of these, which is 'independent of but also interconnected with the brain in the cranium.' He says that this is why we often experience our first reaction to events as a 'gut reaction.' Whether or not we acknowledge them, he says, our gut reactions shape everything we do."

These quotations are going to change me. I've taken a lot of pride in my rational thoughts and gotten very indignant when people let their emotions guide them. But that third quotation is really getting to me. Feeling and emotion can't be brushed under the rug. Rational or not, I have three children with HUGE emotions that overcome them on a daily basis. I constantly wonder when they'll learn how to be rational human beings, yet at the same time I try to practice emotionally intelligent parenting where I teach them that all feelings are valid - it's how you respond to them that matter. So there is a rationality in there, but it's not in getting rid of the feeling altogether. Even though I "knew" that, I still wanted them to grow out of the emotions and into rational people. But is that even possible (or even good?)

And gut reactions. Oh boy. There are certain things that happen in my life that trigger an automatic response in my intestines. Yes, specifically right there. A middle of the night cough will tie me in knots over possible throwing up to come even though no one has had the flu here for over two years. How could I say that my reaction to a cough is rational? I can calm myself down and not let it overcome me, but the feeling of anxiety always comes first. How does that relate to intelligence though because it certainly doesn't seem smart to fret over a cough. There are positive internal reactions too. Sometimes I feel a soaring sense in my chest when I'm happy. Once or twice I've felt like I'm expanding to connect with everything in the universe. How can that be explained logically?

Natural ability + passion

2011-08-21T01:47:00.002-04:00

I'm reading Sir Ken Robinson's "The Element" and he says everyone has an intersection of ability and passion. I'm only one chapter in, but already he's mentioned that there will be cases where someone can't find their element because it's not accessible to them. For example I might be the best darn camel racer who ever lived but since I've only seen one in my entire life I guess we'll never know. But I think for the most part people can find their element and I suppose this book can help with that. At least I hope so, because at this point I haven't got a clue.

Don't say "but what about photography?" I know I have ability and sometimes I have passion. It's the sometimes that bothers me. Like right now I am just totally bored with taking photos. I've basically quit Instagram and any other type of picture taking since we got back from Ohio. The photos I took there were mostly for documenting the trip anyway. I think I lack passion. I certainly go through phases where all I eat, sleep, and breathe is __whatever___, but it's never like forever. Maybe I'm confused about what passion is, but so far the people that Sir Ken is describing in the book seem to be consistent with their love. I do always come back around to photography, but somehow over time it becomes a chore again. Then I drop it for a while (sometimes years) and pick it back up when the mood strikes. I'm like this with everything. Sometimes I love to read and other times I can't stand to look at my email even. A band I couldn't get enough of last week might make my brain explode now. I have spurts of blogging in between months of boredom with the whole idea. I could go on.

On the other hand it's so obvious that my son's passion is music. It's been a constant since he was three months old. B would lay him on his lap while he played songs night after night while I worked. He still loves and plays the songs we introduced to him ten and a half years ago: Modjo Lady (Hear Me Tonight) - Sept 2000, Daft Punk One More Time - Nov 2000, Chemical Brothers Hey Boy Hey Girl - May 1999. I know there are more, but seriously the majority of the music he loves is as old as he is. So clearly he is passionate about this music, but he also has an ear for it. Daft Punk doesn't offer their sheet music for sale so Robotson sits down at a keyboard and figures it out for himself. He's got a couple of songs that's he's worked out at part of them. He also talks about what he hears in music and to be honest I have no idea what he's on about. B does this too so it's good that they can talk to each other. Robotson has never had a music lesson but he can pick up an instrument and make something decent come out whereas I can barely get out Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (though I'm getting better!) So there's that intersection of ability and passion. I know he has other interests in science and technology, and he's also very intuitive with math, but I think he's headed for a career in music. That's not to say I expect him to be playing to sold out stadiums. It's just that not being around music would make for a very unhappy life for him. I can't even imagine it.

The girls aren't as easy to figure out, but they are very young still. I knew Robotson loved music at four and five, but he wasn't using a computer to make it. He didn't have an iPod even to play it when he wanted. At five he was into trains and robots. Sometimes I see little sparks that might be passions in the girls. Dimples seems to have a love of color, drawing, and makeup. All completely normal little girl things of course, but some of her drawings are very interesting. She also puts colors together very well, something I only recently learned and it's an essential photography skill. It's just hard to say where her passions will take her. Funny Girl is similar. She once had a great love for all things in the sea inspired by mermaids, but perhaps that was a passing phase. Or maybe not. Only time will tell. I'm not worried because I plan to fully support their natural abilities and passions. That's what I'm hoping to get out of this book. And maybe along the way I'll find mine too.

Quotations of the Day

2011-08-16T00:59:00.002-04:00

"Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it."

-Christopher Morley

"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."

-Eric Hoffer

Quotations of the Day

2011-08-08T22:51:00.000-04:00

"Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated."

-Jeph Jacques

"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

-Josh Billings

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."

-Bertrand Russell

Isn't it funny?

2011-08-08T00:34:00.000-04:00

In June I was wondering where I could cut back. Some of the things that were so important just a couple of months ago seem so not important now. I think that just reinforces how we put too much thought into things. Everything is impermanent. All we have is right now.

The past does not exist.

The future does not exist.

2011-07-24T12:42:00.000-04:00

Distorted body image or not, my eyes were not tricking me when I saw fat rolls on my back and tummy in the family picnic photos. I am both pleased with how far I've come and more determined than ever to lose the rest. I realize being in my mid-thirties, having carried three babies, and not ever having been stick thin that I will never have a perfect figure. But I am a little irritated that people would say I look skinny or that I don't need to lose any more weight. No I am not, and yes I do. Vacation was fun, but I'm ready to eat fruits and vegetables. I'm tired of pizza. I am craving rice and bean tacos with avocado salsa. The best snack I've had in the past week was smoked almonds. Next time I go on vacation I need to plan how I can eat well because eating on the fly hasn't left me feeling good.

Talking with Mom

2011-07-06T20:48:00.000-04:00

I had a chance to talk to my mom today about some of the stuff from last week. Of course, I was highly upset when I wrote my last post and since it was all typed out without my first discussing the issues with my mom it was very one-sided - mine. That's not to say that my concerns were not legitimate, but that it's really easy to blame someone for things they don't even realize are a problem.

So talking to my mom I had a chance to explain a few things like how much Funny Girl internalizes things, and how she's going through an emotional growth spurt. Yes her emotions are all over the place. Yes she's completely unreasonable right now. Yes she seems to get angry or cry at the drop of a hat. That doesn't mean that things will never go back to the way they were and I think she'll have grown in the process. She's still way easier for me to understand than the other two kids. I see in her so much love and compassion. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have more of those if I'd felt accepted when my feelings got big and overwhelming. Instead I was told that was wrong and wasn't given tools to help me deal with how I felt. As a teenager I cut myself. I wanted to escape from my own body. I hated how I felt and never understood why I couldn't just be happy like other people? I stopped cutting when I had kids but up until a few years ago I still wanted to when times were bad. I haven't felt so terrible in a while, but it's not hard to remember those feelings. Anyway, I don't want my little girl to feel like that ever.

I also told my mom that I can't be the kind of parent that I want to be at her house because I feel judged. Maybe she's not really doing that, but it feels like it to me. I think my sister does too because my mom was telling me she sort of told her the same thing. I don't know why we do that. Perhaps it's because we have been told over and over again how "good" we were as kids. Then we look at our kids and see all the "bad" things they do and think we must suck at parenting to have these kids that won't listen. It's completely stupid. I don't even want to parent the way mine did, but I still let myself worry too much what others think. Maybe I can do better now that my mom knows.

The last thing we talked about was how bad at nighttime parenting I am. I really suck at it. I've never enjoyed putting kids to bed though they have all co-slept for years. Night is my time. Rational or not, I feel like I've spent all day with them and when it's bedtime I just want them to be in bed. I don't care if they sleep, but I want to be alone. B handles a lot of the night duties because I'm just no good at it. It doesn't help either that the months I spent with Funny Girl screaming at me until all hours of the morning will probably never be out of my system. A screaming child at night that won't explain the problem is like a trigger for my insanity. I really really need someone to remind me to breathe when I start to lose it because I can't think straight when that happens. I told my mom that too. Maybe she'll be able to remind me.

So I feel a bit better now that I've been honest with her. It won't fix all of the problems, but I'm hoping for baby steps in the right direction. My mom and I will never see eye to eye on parenting. I am looking for the courage to accept that and stop judging myself.

Differences

2011-06-30T07:30:00.001-04:00

It' 6:53am. I've had a headache for two days. Life seems particularly stressful these days though I am always mindful that we have a lot of good things going for us right now. Little stresses can be breathed through and don't have to consume. I try to remember this even when others don't. I mention all of that because this post might seem more like a list of complaints than a well thought out piece. I originally wanted to post on the other blog and I might still, but I want to get it out of my pounding head first. I can't tackle this properly right now and may never have the time, truthfully.

We are staying at my parent's house a couple of days a week this summer to take advantage of the pool. Last year we had a Y membership less than a mile from the house and yet we rarely went swimming. So I wasn't going to make the same mistake this year. I don't necessarily regret it, but there are times when it seems like a mistake to be here.

At first it was the kids. There are so many more rules at my parent's house and I feel like we need to follow them, but it's just very different. Can I reasonably expect little kids to adjust to such drastic changes for two days a week? That's probably asking too much. Here is one example. Dimples is a screamer. She has been from the day she was born. I don't like it, but it's who she is and I've been working on helping her quiet down and find other ways to protest. It's particularly difficult at night when my parent's want to go to bed much earlier than we are used to. I have to somehow manage three kids who are not tired and keep them quiet and not screaming. When I fail - because honestly it is a losing battle since at home we are much more relaxed - I get mad at them. But I feel terrible because I know I'm asking for the impossible. Be completely different children for the time we are at this house. It's not fair to them. What's worse is that my parent's are loud. The t.v. is on and it's blaring. They wake up listening to the radio so loud in the morning that it wakes me up and it's on for an hour - blaring. When my dad gets angry he yells. It's like everything around us is incredibly loud, but the three year old with big emotions is the problem. Really?

I shouldn't be surprised. My parent's came from a time when kids were to be treated like little adults. They don't understand letting children act like children. That is undesirable. That is spoiling them. I'm not preparing them for the real world. All the new research in parenting is just a fad and will all be different when my kids have their own kids. They are probably right, how would I know? What am I supposed to do though? I'm a parent now and I see three little kids trying to deal with what can be hard for me. If I am feeling overwhelmed and irritable, I can only imagine how they feel.

Another issue is my mom instituting a monetary punishment and reward system. The problems with this are so numerous and make me so angry that I don't think I can detail them out in an impartial way. I'll try to hit the main points and leave the rest for now.

1. The kids lose money if they commit an infraction.
2. The kids gain money if they go an hour without any infractions.
3. The kids have NO money, so they immediately start losing money they do not have.
4. My mom doesn't actually keep track of the good hours, only the "bad" things that they do.

ETA - While making breakfast I noticed that she was keeping track of the hours they were "good." I guess I missed that last time I looked. And I hate the terms good and bad because I don't think that's how she sees it. Just things that they do that aren't appropriate.

5. They are all in the hole and they know it which is making Funny Girl really stressed out and also me because this girl takes everything so very hard (just like me) and I do not want her to have the same complexes that I have.
6. Dimples was worried that I didn't let them bring their money and how could she pay Gramma? She's three for goodness sake! I about died when she said that.
7. Robotson asks me why I don't pay him to behave. FML

I should be the parent and stand up for my kids here, but I haven't had the chance to talk to my mom in private and also she should know better. She knows this isn't how I parent, but then again, she doesn't think I parent correctly. And maybe this is a cop out, but I also think maybe it wouldn't be terrible for the kids to see how my parenting style is different. I still want to protect them from undue harshness of course, but they can clearly see that mom's way is nicer. Especially Robotson may be able to see that I really do try to work things out with him instead of rule with an iron fist as he claims.

I'm just ready to go home. I've actually cried the past two days. Partially from the headaches, but part of it is stress. I know sometimes people need to cry, but since I've felt better I've noticed that things that would normally have set me off just don't. But this week has been hard. I need some support, but it's not there for me and I have to find the strength inside. I wish my head didn't hurt so badly and maybe it would be easier, but maybe that's why my head hurts. And now I am crying again, but maybe that's because I am tired and in pain. So I am back to where I started with this post which is I need to focus on all of the good things going for us right now because these little things will pass. I need to breathe.

Where to cut back?

2011-06-19T23:12:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to figure out where to downsize my life, but everything I want to do is still really important to me. I just can't fit it all in to my days. Some weeks I am right on top of blogging, Instagram, and Twitter, but there's no time for park days or reading. Other times we barely spend any time at home and so I don't read with the kids or do anything that resembles "normal" schoolwork. And even other times my house is clean and I cook wonderful meals, but we miss field trips and family events. None of those things I am willing to give up completely, yet none of them can be managed on a day to day basis. Most days I don't let it get to me, but then the end of the week comes and my to-do list is a mile long. I'm so exhausted from the go go go that I can barely function before 11am and it's a struggle to do the laundry let alone clean the bathroom. How does the bathroom even get so gross when we aren't home???

And while I'm sort of complaining here I just want to mention that I am very annoyingly dissatisfied with my continued inability to lose any more weight/shape up. How can a person who barely sits down and is very conscious of what they eat, plus is spending a couple days a week swimming for hours be feeling less and less happy about their current figure? There was a picture taken of me yesterday and when I saw it all I could think about is, "Is that really how big my thighs are?" Good grief what is wrong with me?

I'm trying to enjoy the ride, but it's new for me. I think it's going to take a little bit of adjusting and maybe some more time before I can figure out what really is important and what I just need to let go. For now, I am going to read my book and not worry about the other blog, or that I haven't talked to anyone on Instagram in weeks, or that we are going to miss park day tomorrow because I have to get to the grocery. At least the bills are paid, laundry is done, and the kids are all safe. That is all good.

I just keep pushing through

2011-06-16T21:52:00.017-04:00

Life feels like a whirlwind right now. I don't think we've ever been so busy in our entire lives. I'm not sure if I want to stop this runaway train or just try to hold on. Maybe I am hell bent to try to change my introverted ways. Not sure how realistic that is going to be since even when we are out I am still on the quieter side. Except with my mom, whom I seem to talk to nonstop.

There are several things that are falling by the wayside these days and I'm thinking I am going to have to make some hard choices coming up. Time to decide what is really important and cut out the rest, hard as that may be.

I can't believe just how tired I am right now though. It's not the same tired that you feel as a parent with a new baby. It's just an overall desire to crawl into a dark cave and not see, hear, or feel anything for a week just to find a way to be centered again. I'm not going to do that though and try to find a way to be calm in the chaos that is our life right now.

Advanced

2011-05-08T01:27:00.068-04:00

Tonight I got to talk to my mom about some of the things on my mind lately. She may be the only one that can ever truly understand.

She was telling me about how advanced I was when I was little, and how she used to compare me and my sister. She knew she shouldn't, but she did. There is a lot of science now about how it all evens out in the end. By the time I hit middle school I was average. Still it's hard to hear how everyone thought I'd have so much potential. I might feel like I'd underachieved if I actually wanted to do something else. I don't really. Sometimes I feel discontent, but for the most part I'm happy with my life. I don't want to be a career woman or an academic. I feel like there are a lot of areas that I'd like to grown in, but none of them are for financial reasons.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the photography thing. Obviously now that B is working so much, I have even less time to devote to what was clearly going to be a full-time endeavor. I learned a lot though when I was looking into stock photography. Mostly I think I learned that taking pictures for money would have killed it for me. Taking pictures is the only hobby I've had for half of my life. Wait that sentence isn't reading right. I have other hobbies, but it's the only one that has stuck for any significant period of time. I can't let anything get in the way of continued passion. I need to take pictures and learn more for myself. I need to capture mindfully. For my heart. For me.

Lately...

2011-05-05T04:11:00.028-04:00

I write more drafts than actual posts.

I'm a little lost right now. I don't really know what I want or need. I'm not sad, but maybe a little less happy.

Lately it feels like maybe I can't really understand what is going on around me. I'm too slow or the world is too confusing. Like the entire universe shifted just a little bit but I got stuck out of place.

Quotations of the Day

2011-04-28T01:05:00.002-04:00

"Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment."

-Rita Mae Brown

"Happiness and moral duty are inseparably connected."

-- George Washington

"I have no special talents. I am only passionately curious."

-- Albert Einstein

Playing with Presets

2011-04-24T12:05:00.000-04:00

Funny, I seem to be all about the presets these days.

In Aperture presets are one-click enhancements you can make to photos for specific looks. I've all but given up editing on my own in favor of them.

The other presets I am really into are The Presets - a band, which I am listening to as I type.

My favorite song This Boy's In Love. The VEVO video is messed up and no one else has the whole video available to embed. However, takeSomeCrime is pretty awesome.

2011-04-22T23:54:00.000-04:00

I get envious a lot.

Did you know there is a big difference between envy and jealousy? Envy is feeling discontent or wanting what someone else has. Jealousy is a stronger resentment. I used to think I got jealous a lot, but it's not resentment that I feel. It's that comparing of my life that I get caught up in doing.

Normally I try to fight back or ignore the feelings. It happens all the time so that's a lot of effort on my part. But tonight I was feeling envious and I remembered that yesterday I posted about loving myself. So instead of fighting it, I accepted it.

Yes, I am envious. Then I took a couple of deep breaths. It's o.k. for me to feel discontented. I don't have to be ashamed of it because no one has to know. That's where the burden comes from - my inner voice saying that only bad people want what others have. But I'm sitting alone in a room and no one can read my thoughts. A few more deep breaths and it was gone. It was like it something heavy lifted.

I wish I didn't get envious, but it's not worth fighting. It's so much better to acknowledge it and move on.

Why is it so hard to love myself?

2011-04-21T23:06:00.000-04:00

Don't read that title with any feeling of sadness. I'm not sad. I just wonder why even though I know how important it is to accept the person that I am, I've never been able to do it. It's not just me. In the past two days I've had a chance to talk to two amazing women whom I admire, respect, and love very much and they have the same insecurities. Why can't we see how amazing we are, while accepting our limitations. How much easier it must be to make little changes for the better when we already know we are perfect.

What stops me from feeling o.k. in my own skin? How can I model it for my kids when I don't feel it? Can I fake it? Do I want my kids to learn to fake it or to actually feel it? Funny Girl is the closest to being true to herself. It's hard to tell with Dimples. I know Robotson is not.

The worst part about not loving myself is that I wonder if that makes it impossible to love anyone else unconditionally. Oh we all say we love people that way, but I don't think it's true. I think you can love completely, totally, passionately and still have conditions - whether you ever speak them out loud or not. It's almost impossible for me to type that without wanting to go back and edit. I want to say it's not true, but I worry that it is.

Food War

2011-04-07T00:11:00.001-04:00

I saw a post from The Happiness Project in my reader today about what kind of quitter are you?   Do you abstain from something you want to stop or do you just moderate your intake?

I think I want to moderate, but the truth is that abstaining is really the only way I can stop doing something. When I gave up meat, I gave it up completely. I remember exactly what my last meal was, and where and why I decided I was done.   I ate meat some when I was pregnant with Dimples, but after she was born that was it again. I still have the occasional bit of salmon with friends, but I could live the rest of my life without it and never look back. It doesn't have a hold on me.

So this has me thinking about weight loss. I was doing so well for such a long time. I counted all of my calories and even when I was stuck - I kept at it. Then one day I was just tired of being hungry. I was tired of being a little shaky because I hadn't prepared for being out without food. I was tired of being around people who could eat whatever they wanted. I fell totally off the wagon and I can't climb back on. I've tried a couple of times, but inevitably something comes up like a birthday, or a Tuesday dinner, or we are going out to eat. When I was counting calories those things came up, but I was determined not to let them derail me. I said no and I didn't cheat. Now I want to moderate instead of just saying no. Eating still has a hold on me. I'm not gaining weight, but I am not at a healthy weight for my body size either and I will never get there without the no.

I don't know if I have the no in me right now. I know losing 20lbs. won't make me happier. I know the numbers shouldn't matter. I know it's all about being healthy....blah blah. But this isn't really about the weight. This is about my internal struggle with eating and not being able to listen to what my body needs without the constant wants.   I have to learn to say no to certain things forever, or at least until they become like salmon.   When the thought of never having another doesn't send me into a panic, then I will know I have beaten my food addiction forever. So even if I counted every single calorie and lost every single pound the victory will be empty without overcoming my cravings.

That's the battle I am waging in my head every single day.

2011-04-03T23:44:00.000-04:00

There are these two women I follow on Twitter that are so negative. I feel so sorry for them, but at the same time see so much of my (I really hope former) self in their tweets. One of the women has recently had a baby, and the other's husband has been out of work for a few months now. I'm not the queen of positive thoughts and energy by any stretch, but I can see how I used to feel in their words. Then I compare it to how I feel now and it's just totally different. I don't know how I might handle B losing his job again, but I do know that we are strong enough to get through it. We've already faced the scary unknown and it's just not as scary anymore. I know we have loving family and friends, we have healthy children, and we have each other. Those are the important things. I wouldn't enjoy being unemployed, but I don't think it would get me down like it did last time.

And as for having another baby and an active toddler that is fighting for my attention - plus this woman writes like she is fighting the world. Her MIL drives her crazy, she's upset that people bought her pink baby clothes, she doesn't want to conform to society's ideas on gender, etc. Maybe it's just how she tweets, but some days it seems like she's missing all the joy in having her new daughter while she rants at the world. Those early newborn days are tough and moms get tired really fast. Tempers are short and extra hands should be helpful, not intrusive but still. If I did it again, I hope that I could find ways to enjoy those days because when they are gone it's forever. I only remember the baby days with Robotson. The girls are a sad blur. It almost makes me want to do it again. Almost.

I can't help these ladies. I've tried to reach out to them both, but we don't really know each other. I can't give them a hug or listen to them talk. I can't do their dishes or play with their kids while they nap. In 140 characters you just can't connect. That's what I don't like about Twitter. There are no connections.

2011-03-30T15:54:00.000-04:00

End of March and I haven't read anything for myself. I think I know what the problem is though. I hate reading things that I *have* to read. I want to just grab whatever catches my fancy at any given moment. This is why I stink at book clubs. So for April, I am just going to read what I want and see what happens.

A couple of other things I've noticed this month: I am watching more t.v. (well Netflix), I've had more "gray" days mood-wise, and I've been losing my patience more often with the kids. I haven't been crying though and I mostly still feel happy and joyful. I wonder if the rain has affected me a little bit. At least I'm not getting headaches. I just want to keep a record of how I am feeling so that I can see if there is a downward trend happening before I get sucked in. I worry a little, but I think it's good to be thinking about it.

Perhaps I am doing too much. It seems like we are spending more than normal time away from home. And with B working so much it can be harder on me sometimes. Of course, it's hard on him too.

Next week should be sunny and warm. Looking forward to it!

Music Classics

2011-03-22T12:12:00.001-04:00

My friend Mo brought up a really interesting point the other day on FB. She was talking about music that withstands the test of time. Just like some books can be read 150 years after their first publication and still resound in a drastically different world, there is some music that can continue to touch a person long after the artist and time are gone. Obviously a lot of classical music fits into this category, but I'm not as knowledgeable in that area as I would like to be. I can appreciate the music, but I don't recognize the pieces by name, nor do I generally choose to listen to them. I don't dislike classical music, I just don't reach out for it first. Mo's post got me thinking though about what in my current collection do I consider a classic now, and what might I still be listening to in 20 years? So I pulled out my CD book. Turns out there is very little that I own that I still listen to, and even less that I think is classic material. I was looking for specific songs, but then I decided that perhaps it makes more sense to figure out which artists really resound with me, and then identify a few songs that are my classics. That's what I've done below:

Depeche Mode - Stripped, Everything Counts, Strangelove, I Feel You, and Enjoy the Silence. If I could only listen to one album for the rest of my life it would be Songs of Faith and Devotion, though it would be nearly impossible to not pick Violator.

Bush - had a few songs that I never get tired of, including Everything Zen, Glycerine, and Greedy Fly.

Paula Cole - her album This Fire is amazing from start to finish. I especially love Me.

Donna Lewis - I Love You, Always Forever

Memory Dean - This band was a huge part of my young adult life. Screaming From the Towers and Beowulf, Captain Hook, and the Albatross.

Peter Murphy - Cuts You Up

Still Rain - Another band from my younger days. All of their stuff is great, but especially Forever Sun, Pain, and Who Knows.

New Order - Sub-Culture, True Faith, and Bizzare Love Triangle

That's all I have come up with so far. There is a lot more music that I enjoy, but they didn't feel like classics to me. I can't really say yet if my current music loves will still resonate with me in the future, so this is the list. I'll probably think of more as time goes on and will update accordingly.

March 2011 Reading

2011-03-03T22:38:00.000-05:00

I haven't given up! I am still plugging through Shakespeare's sonnets as I get a spare second, although I am cheating. I found No Sweat Shakespeare. I'm reading them with modern English so that I can understand them more quickly and move on. Currently I'm on number 67.

I have borrowed Cyrano de Bergerac and plan to read that next. Maybe I'll even watch the second half of the movie I had to leave during our book club movie night. At least my dental appointments are finished for another six months.

Then I must read the other book I have borrowed for entirely too long, The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching. I've started it, and it's fascinating, but there are a lot of complicated words since it's more about the foundation of Buddhism and less about learning the teachings. At least so far.

And finally, I will finish my even longer borrowed copy of The Audacity of Hope. My cousin lent this to me well over a year ago, and then she moved away. Still, I need to read it.

I will read no other books until my borrowed stack is returned.

Update! February 2011 Reading

2011-02-24T14:11:00.000-05:00

The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh

~~Intrigue at Highbury~~ by Carrie Bebris Of course I loved this! Plus Emma and Mr. Knightley had much larger roles in this book than any of the other main characters had in her other books.

Sonnets of William Shakespeare

Cyrano de Bergerac by Edmond Rostand

~~Ariel~~ by Sylvia Plath- Glad I stuck with this one. It was worth the read.

Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama

Well....this should be interesting!

I *might* be able to squeeze out another book this month. I may end up just pushing the unread to my March reading list.

Quick reading update

2011-02-14T12:02:00.000-05:00

I finished The Intrigue at Highbury. I think I may fall short of my goal this month...

I haven't cried in a really long time.

2011-02-05T00:07:00.000-05:00

This just sort of occurred to me this afternoon. I don't mean to say that I can't cry. It's just that I haven't felt so overwhelmingly sad and empty. Looking back, I knew that I was unhappy, but I really don't think the magnitude of my depression was as clear to me as it is now.

I haven't felt this good since before high school. Seriously, it goes back that far.

I love my life right now. I can't imagine ever feeling like that again. And if I started to go down, I would definitely look for help this time. I was never sure if what I felt was real or just in my head before. Now I know how real it was.

Lacking Motivation

2011-01-25T09:56:00.000-05:00

I could blame it on the rainy snowy days or the illnesses that are circulating through our house. Maybe it's the bitter cold weather, or it was the holidays, or a million other things.

The truth is that I simply don't want to put in the work to lose the rest of this weight. I don't want to count calories. I don't want to exercise. And I'm not sure how to break out of this funk. It's not an "I'm feeling blue" sort of thing. I just don't want to work at it.

I need to dig deep within myself and find the courage to be the person I want to be. I know I can do this. There's no fear of me gaining it all back. I just can't seem to move forward. I had the motivation before and it was all from inside me. Where did it go and how can I get it back now?

Final January Reading Update

2011-01-23T23:48:00.001-05:00

~~Jack Spratt Investigates: The Big Over Easy~~ by Jasper Fforde - finished! This was my favorite read this month, although that's not surprising as I love Jasper Fforde's novels.

What Men Live By by Leo Tolstoy - finished!

~~Matters at Mansfield~~ by Carrie Bebris - finished!

~~Murder on the Orient Express~~ by Agatha Christie - Finished!

Adding Ariel by Sylvia Plath apparently I forgot to actually reserve this from the library. Hopefully it will come soon. Still hasn't arrived.

Bonus points if I can also fit in ~~The Passion of the Hausfrau: Motherhood, Illuminated~~. This was recommended to me by my friend Grace early last year, and apparently I forgot until I cleaned up my inbox today. So I reserved it from the library. Finished. I didn't really enjoy this one. A couple of parts got me to chuckle, a few parts I thought were overly dramatic, and there was a time or two that I felt irritated.

Going to read The Heart of the Buddha's Teaching by Thich Nhat Hanh so I can return it to Grace. Moving this to February.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but I also want to finish Bones Season 5 and catch up on Season 6 this month, but I'll be happy just to finish 5. I can't catch up on 6 apparently because I can't access the first four episodes for free. I guess I'll be waiting.

2011-01-20T01:07:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is a big day.

Christin and I officially start our Warrior Dash training. I'm slightly scared. Both girls have annual check-ups and shots. I've been real honest with them about the vaccinations, and they are taking it rather well actually. And B has an interview for a second job. It's a part time thing, but it will take up his days off. It's a hard decision to make, but the bonus of being able to pay off our credit cards and it actually being in Infosec are too good to pass up. It doesn't have to be forever.

And of course, I can't sleep. Doesn't help that B is over there playing awesome music, and the girls are taking up all the space on the bed. Perhaps I should read the book club book....

Can't Sleep

2011-01-18T03:26:00.000-05:00

There is a lot of stuff floating around my head.

I wonder if I died tomorrow, would Dimples remember me? We need to update our wills, but it's complicated.

I'm not really worried about dying, it just popped into my head along with everything else.

I know I've lost 45 pounds, but I can't see it when I look in the mirror and that scares me. I want my brain to see what it knows. Will I be satisfied when I lose the rest of the weight? How can I accept the body that I have and not the one I couldn't possibly ever have?

In my free time, all I want to do is take pictures or read. But I want to blog too. I have so many things I want to write out, yet I won't make the time.

I must start training for the Warrior Dash. But that's just another thing I don't want to cut into my photography time.

I remember to be mindful more often than ever before, but I still don't practice as much as I should. For example - I might have a headache which makes it harder for me to handle screaming kids. I still get upset with them, but in my head I am telling myself that I need to find a quiet space and breathe until I feel balanced. I don't, but at least I remembered that I should. *sigh*

Maybe I can rest now that half of my head clutter is out. I'm not really looking for answers. Just the freedom to sleep.

Quotations of the Day

2011-01-16T10:36:00.000-05:00

"What is the use of a house if you haven't got a tolerable planet to put it on?"

-Henry David Thoreau

"The most important scientific revolutions all include, as their only common feature, the dethronement of human arrogance from one pedestal after another of previous convictions about our centrality in the cosmos."

--Stephen Jay Gould

"To know what to leave out and what to put in; just where and just how, ah, that is to have been educated in knowledge of simplicity -- toward ultimate freedom of expression."

- Frank Lloyd Wright

It's snowing...again

2011-01-09T23:09:00.000-05:00

I want to move to Edmonton, Alberta one day. It snows a lot there; way more than it snows here. I know this and yet, I really do not like it when it snows here. I think it's because it shuts everything down, causes runs on the grocery stores, and I never feel warm in our house.

I am hoping that in climates that get an annual snowfall they have better built houses, less panicky citizens, and de-icing trucks to clear the roads. They must because otherwise entire states would shut down.

There are at least 3inches here already. Pictures tomorrow.

Cross Posting!

2011-01-05T00:28:00.001-05:00

I gotta post on the other blog... Need. More. Hours.

It was nice to get outside today. I should post some pictures. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Check www.raising3thinkers.com to see them. But give me a bit to get them up. Just check in the morning.

Fires

2011-01-04T01:05:00.000-05:00

A little after 10pm tonight there was a fire just down the highway from us. It may have affected several houses, and it's too early to tell if anyone was hurt. The blaze was so large we could see it from our bedroom.

House fires always remind us of three years ago when our neighbors lost their home, and pets, on Valentine's day. So sad :(

I dislike this feeling

2011-01-02T13:14:00.000-05:00

I had just finished taking a bath when the dog began barking. When I looked out the window I didn't see anyone at the door, so I figured it was no big deal. But when I heard the girls trying to get the door open, I realized there was a woman with a young toddler on my doorstep. I wasn't even dry. I managed to throw some clothes on and find the keys for the door, but all the while I was trying to figure out what to do. Normally we don't open the door for anyone we don't know. Our deadbolt is always locked. Some of our friends have a more open door policy, but we live on a very busy street near a busy highway. B has always been hyper-cautious, and it's rubbed off on me though I think it's a little unhealthy. He'd argue that it's very unhealthy to be dead. He's an expert debater and I never win.

The woman explains that her car got a flat and she's left her phone. Can she just use the phone to get someone to help her? I know the decent thing to do, the human thing is to invite her in, but I can't help thinking this could be a setup for a home invasion. In the middle of the day on a Sunday? Yes. So I have Robotson bring us a phone and she tries calling everyone she knows and having no luck at all. I can tell she's feeling nervous. Her hands are shaking, her voice is shaky. I am standing in my doorway watching her. I mean it's got to be disconcerting! Finally after a flurry of phone calls she is resigned to just wait for someone to get her message and rescue her. I can't stand it though. I offer to drive her to wherever she needs to go. Turns out she's less than a mile from her destination, and she's got Christmas presents for goodness sake. I strap the girls into the boosters, her daughter goes into the car seat and we drop her off.

Along the way she asks what kind of dogs we have (he was barking after all), but my paranoid brain is thinking "scoping out the place." The girls supply everything she could want to know...his breed, his name, that he's currently locked in the crate. " Great." I'm thinking. When we drop her off she's very thankful, but it's sort of awkward. I think we both are glad it's over. After all, I could have been some really creepy dude who answered and I've already mentioned all of my worries.

When the girls and I got back I noticed a car has pulled up behind her's and there is a little girl looking in the window. She had mentioned that she has an older daughter too. So I walked over to let them know that I dropped her off and they don't need to worry.

I wish I could say that I felt good about the situation. I'm really glad we could help, but I wish I wasn't so darn suspicious. I wish I'd been comfortable inviting her in, asked her name, and made a real connection. As it turns out, I feel like I did the bare minimum and never fully trusted her. That doesn't seem like the right way to live, even if it's a bit safer.

Frustrated, but breathing

2011-01-01T21:19:00.000-05:00

I'm having technology issues today. First I realized I left my camera at a friend's house. This is sort of like forgetting one of my children. Of course I trust my friend completely. I'd let her watch my kids without a second thought, but I feel sort of vulnerable without my camera. I gave her a heads up, so she could keep it safe and I'm breathing through it.

Next was Aperture which I can't seem to convince to open only my favorites on starting. Googling for an hour yielded nothing. Does no one else prefer this setting to having to manually click? If they do, they aren't talking about it or I can't Google well enough. While trying to figure that out, I read something that gave me a sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach. I may have problems reconnecting the masters that I moved to an external hard drive before I upgraded. Aperture 3 had to update all of my files and this might cause issues. I did not want to hear this. I should have reconnected everything before I upgraded. I am hoping that even if I have trouble, I can just import all the masters again as new files. That would be a pain, but at least I could still work with them. Breathe in. Breathe out.

And for the grand finale, I got an app that is supposed to transfer my photos from my iPhone to my computer on a regular basis via FTP. I can't get it to work. Finally, I emailed the developer for help. I decided to move on and felt it was a good idea to order pizza for dinner before I blew up the stove or something. Deep Breath.

Update! B figured out the media transfer app. Awesome. It wasn't able to create the directory it wanted to create on it's own. No idea why, but once we did - all the photos started moving. Still going... done!

Four Books

2011-01-01T18:07:00.000-05:00

I've got this idea in my head that I will read four books this month.

Jack Spratt Investigates: The Big Over Easy by Jasper Fforde

What Men Live By by Leo Tolstoy

Matters at Mansfield by Carrie Bebris

Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie

Bonus points if I can also fit in The Passion of the Hausfrau: Motherhood, Illuminated. This was recommended to me by my friend Grace early last year, and apparently I forgot until I cleaned up my inbox today. So I reserved it from the library.

I know this is going to sound crazy, but I also want to finish Bones Season 5 and catch up on Season 6 this month, but I'll be happy just to finish 5.

Cleanup Time

2010-12-25T23:13:00.000-05:00

A new year is always a good time to make some changes, even if most of them don't stick. I've started taking some steps to clean up my online life. The first step was to get my Reader down to only the subscriptions I actually read (or find informative like the news feeds.) I cleaned up my inbox a bit too. I'm thinking seriously about cutting some of the dead weight from my FB account, but I have no idea what to do about Twitter. I don't read everything all the time, but I like to have the option. I've also been cleaning up my Instagram feed. That will pretty much cover all of my online time wasters.

In only one area do I want to spend more time online - blogging. Maybe not every day, but at least a couple of times a week. Just gotta make it a priority!

Next Year

2010-12-20T18:33:00.001-05:00

I am going to wrap presents for birthdays and Christmas *at least* a week before the event. I always wait until the last minute and it's stressful!

I will start a folder in Aperture for the yearly photos in January and move possible shots into it all year. Hopefully I won't be sitting here four days before Christmas trying to collect, edit, and print 420 pictures next year.

I will start arranging to take holiday photos for friends and family in the first week of November. That way the weather will be cool enough to festive looking photos, Funny Girl's birthday will be ending, and Thanksgiving won't be for another few weeks.

I will NOT schedule Dr. appointments in December. I either need to wait until January or do them in October. Since I didn't do them in October though, I guess it's going to be January for annual check-ups.

Other misc things: Wednesdays are for family, one field trip per month is best, and I need to get back to cleaning a little bit per day, reading to the kids at night, going to bed at a decent hour, exercising daily, and keeping Tuesdays open for park days.

I just gotta get better at this!

Year End

2010-12-13T01:00:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure how I feel about those "end of the year" posts that most bloggers do. I've done my fair share of them, but it sort of feels like writing a book report. I am now going to prove that I lived my life this year by summarizing it for future reference. But the thing is, I know what I did or didn't accomplish this year. Over time, I'll forget things and the rough edges will become smooth - turning the past into the good ol' days. That's sort of how it's supposed to work, isn't it?

Yet here I am, clearly wanting to write a year end post, so I might as well just do it. Only, I'm going to challenge my future self to figure out why I would have written this particular post as a way to recap 2010. So here goes:

There is a clock in our living room. The last time I could see it (before I turned the lights out) it said the time was 11:54pm. The temperature outside is 24 degrees and falling. The girls are sleeping on the pull-out couch, and Robotson is curled up on the chair and ottoman. He's playing a game on his iPod under his comforter. He thinks he's being sneaky since I can't see him.

Everyone is finally asleep by 1am. We are healthy, warm, and peaceful. I feel content.

2010-11-25T01:34:00.000-05:00

B and I were talking about Aspies tonight. I was making the case that most Aspies are probably much more functional than they are given credit for.   If only people were just a bit more understanding.

And then as if to test this theory we had quite the eventful evening (or really just an hour.)

Funny Girl suddenly began throwing up, fortunately in the bathtub. The drain starts to clog with all the gunk, so I ask for something to clear the drain. This isn't a clear enough request so B doesn't move. He's processing. I get frustrated and repeat my need, but not any clearer. B gets angry and goes off in search for something.   After waiting several minutes I go grab a kitchen knife. He's found one of those drain snake thingies. I should have asked for a knife. When all the puking is over I try to clean up the tub, but it just too clogged. We have nothing to help clear it and of course it's a holiday so no fix until Friday. During all of this Dimples keeps asking to watch Netflix streaming. I tell her to ask B who is sitting on the bed, but he doesn't say anything. This is normal. B often doesn't answer; I'm not exactly sure why. Instead of putting on Netflix, he pulls up movie previews that he wants to show the girls. That's cool except that it would really be much better if we can just get one kid sitting in front of the t.v. and out of the way.

So Dimples keeps asking me, and I keep hoping the drain will just hurry up. While I'm waiting I suggest we brush teeth since it's bedtime anyway. After I finish Dimples' teeth I bend down to lift her up and she jumps at the same time. She knocks me silly and it's all I can do to keep from dropping her and passing out. She's crying because she's scared, I'm sitting on the floor hoping I don't lose consciousness and wondering why I can't get my eyes to focus. Finally I can organize my thoughts enough to ask B to help. He's still on the bed. I think I have to ask him twice. I'm not really sure. The pain is really bad. Dimples doesn't want his help, and he goes off mad again. I manage to get her rinsed and just want to lay down, but now B is saying the dishwasher is broken.

I tried to see what was wrong, but every time I bend down I feel dizzy. Dimples still wants to watch Netflix. I try to get her set up in the spare room, but forget the Wii can't access the Internet at night. Back in the bedroom, B is going through previews. My head hurts and I really need to sit down, so I not very nicely tell him to get out of that so I can put on Netflix. And why couldn't he just have done that himself? He tells me that he knew the girls would like to see some previews. I say I'm sure they would, but right now it would just be better if they could watch Netflix.

I finally get to sit down and wonder how things got so crazy in such a short time.   It must be too much for B because he's put on his headphones and paces through the house a couple of times. When I'm feeling a little better I go to load the dishwasher and pick up around the house. B has gone to bed and is totally passed out within minutes. Not once did he ask if I was hurt or how he could help.   He can't just step in and handle stuff. He gets angry and then shuts down. He can't deal with emotional overload; it's too much for his brain. It used to drive me crazy, but I'm used to it now.

So that's a little slice of life with an Aspie. It can be hard sometimes, but a little understanding can go a long way.

Whoa Busy!

2010-11-24T01:39:00.000-05:00

When was the last time I blogged?   Be right back, I'm gonna check. Over a week ago....so much for my hopes of daily posting.

We are quite busy these days. I shouldn't even be typing right now because I need to be sleeping. We are getting over colds here, and I've spent the last two days helping a friend do a top to bottom house cleaning before the holidays. We'll finish things up tomorrow, but it's still another 4-5 hours of solid work ahead. So why am I up at 1am? Dimples was the last holdout on this cough and it's got her pretty badly tonight. She's got the croupy cough back, thrown up once, had two steam baths, and is now running a fever around 102.8.   But she's finally sleeping peacefully. I'm not sure the fever is really that high. After her second bath she was shivering so badly that I wrapped us both up in a blanket skin-to-skin to warm her up. When I feel her forehead it doesn't feel like that high of a fever, so I'm waiting for a few minutes to see if the reading goes down.

Just checked it's 101.4. She's probably o.k., but I can never sleep when I'm not sure. So here I am.

The rest of my week is pretty jam packed. I still have some photos I want to post and I haven't touched my camera since Saturday. I shot a birthday party for a friend's daughter. It was a new experience, let me tell you!

On another note, I'm still so amazed to find myself happy at this time of year. Staying busy must be helping, probably the weight loss, wonderful and supportive friends (not that I didn't have them last year too, but I didn't let them help me.)   I keep looking up at the sky and noticing how pretty it is. The weather is really mild for this time of year; the clouds and blue skies, the fall colors and landscapes. Everything seems so much more vibrant this year. It's really very nice to be able to see it.

Way Behind

2010-11-15T10:42:00.001-05:00

I've been taking tons of photographs! But now I need to organize and edit them. Been busy with birthday tea parties, colds, and drama too.

I still feel like I'm learning a lot and I'm loving life right now. I hope to update with some shots soon and a link that I've been working on!!

Tribble Mill

2010-11-05T11:44:00.001-04:00

Instagram Fun!

2010-11-03T23:10:00.000-04:00

I haven't done much in the way of taking photos that might sell since I posted last. But I've been photographing a lot. I found a really interesting app for the iPhone - Instagram. It's like a social networking site for photographs. I only signed up a couple of days ago and already I've got quite a little network going. The app is free, and all you really need to do to get started is take some photos and "Like" or comment on the ones you see that you like in the popular section. It's a lot of fun! I share several of my Instagram shots on Flickr as well.

Tomorrow a friend and I are going to spend the afternoon shooting....something. We haven't really decided what yet as the weather will be a factor, but I'll share here if I get anything awesome.

I'm still learning what will sell and what won't. I'm still lurking in the forums. I'm still going to do it.

Tomorrow's Plan

2010-10-29T23:26:00.000-04:00

The good news is that I'm still shooting a ton of photos. I'm still looking at things in a new way and applying what I've learned.

The bad news is that I'm making no headway on my photography. I haven't been able to check the forums all week, and I haven't had time to set up anything I can shoot professionally.

It seems like I can't find the balance between homeschooling mom and photographer. I may get there eventually, but eventually doesn't pay the bills now. I've got to find a way.

The kids and I had gotten out of the habit of reading at night...again. It's so easy for me to want to spend my evenings alone, studying or relaxing, but they need this time to wind down with me. So I've made that my priority this past week. I'm finally get the kids to sleep before midnight, but only slightly. It's not leaving me much time so now I am behind on the book club books, my blogs, photography, housework, and sleep. Maybe after I clean all the bathrooms, read with Robotson, and plan and practice a fire drill - I will have enough light to shoot something. Or maybe I can try to set up my lights and see how that works out. I'm tired just thinking about it!

Forty Photos

2010-10-22T23:59:00.000-04:00

I finally finished going through the photos I took yesterday at the botanical gardens. I've never been much of a flower person, so it took me a while to get into the groove. By the time I got creative, I was also exhausted and hungry. Next time I'll do better, and I think I'll bring my tripod. I'd brought the mono, but ended up just carrying it around. You can't get creative from only one angle. My tripod has a pivoting head at least.

Anyway, I'm not going to post all 40 pictures. Here are just a few of my favorites.

Too Busy

2010-10-21T23:03:00.000-04:00

No time to blog, but I'm still working on my photography. I spent four hours at the Botanical Gardens shooting flowers. Flowers don't sell for stock, but it's practice. I'll post some soon. I'm so behind on all of the blogging I want to do.

Squee!

2010-10-18T14:26:00.000-04:00

Those two photos I posted in the critique forum were perfectly sharp! Not stock quality, but the focus got 100% approval.

Sharp Focus

2010-10-17T00:42:00.000-04:00

I just submitted two photos for review in a critique forum on one of these photo sites. It's late, so I don't expect anyone will respond tonight, but I'm still nervous.

Since there is an extremely LONG list of things I need to work on to be good enough, I thought I'd better go ahead and frickin pick something to work on. I chose to try to nail down "tack sharp." Let me tell you...it's not so easy. Well, o.k. It is easy if you have an object that does not move and lots of light. However, finding good, even light is not easy. Why can we not have an overcast day (or week!), please?? Plus I figured I needed to start with the hardest subjects anyway - my children. Anyone who has ever met them knows they are never still. EVER.

So I spent the afternoon chasing them around the backyard trying to make their eyes "pop" out of the photo. I think I got it, but we shall see. If only I could sleep now. No stock practice for tomorrow. Robotson and I are walking for juvenile diabetes. I'll be shooting that instead!

Feeling Discouraged

2010-10-15T18:02:00.000-04:00

I've had a nagging feeling that my equipment might not be good enough to get into the game. I kept pushing it aside, but it's hard to ignore when all of my ideas fall apart.

It's also hard to be a full-time homeschooling mom of three and a full-time photographer. There are constant interruptions.

I'm not giving up. When I succeed, it will be that much sweeter, but for now I am hoping Santa brings me a shiny new macro lens for Christmas.

Still Learning

2010-10-15T01:08:00.000-04:00

Took more photos today. Didn't have much time to shoot since I spent most of the day grocery shopping and I ran out of daylight. So I did the next best thing - spent the evening reading. I learned at least a dozen new things tonight and I can't wait to get back to shooting in the morning.

An article I read today says to find a very specific niche for stock. Going to have to put some thought into that.

B and I figured out how to make my tripod more stable. And I have some new ideas for getting sharper focus and more creative shots.

Wanna see one I've been working on?

This might be too artsy for stock, but I'm having fun learning more about Aperture while I manipulate this particular photo.

On a different note: The new AT&T store opened up today. I stopped in to ask a few questions, but while I was there I asked the manager if they were hiring. Then I told him how awesome I used to be as a sales rep back when it was BellSouth Mobility. LOL I don't even know where that confidence came from. I mean, I was pretty awesome, but I don't usually (ever!) tell people.

Stock Talk

2010-10-13T22:36:00.000-04:00

Looks like my one great shot might not be so great after all, but I'm not worried. I can retake it a million times..thank you digital technology! And I am learning so much right now. I am totally obsessed with photography. Everything I see is a potential subject. All I want to do is read my photography books, the forums on these micro stock sites, and take pictures. Everything else is such a bother! LOL

I've found lists of things not to shoot, lists of things to shoot, and tons of advice. I don't even have to submit a shot yet because every other amateur photographer out there is doing it for me. I don't mean that to sound harsh either. I am starting to critique photos to myself now and seeing if I get it right.

Whew, o.k.

2010-10-10T23:06:00.000-04:00

I spent my day taking pictures. I also went through everything I had on the computer. Basically what I've come up with is one shot. It seems sad and pathetic, I know. This one shot though could be the beginning of something truly amazing. I've been reading articles, and the forums on these stock sites too. It's going to be a challenge.

Most sites require you to submit 10 shots for approval. Seven of them must be accepted for you to be able to continue uploading. I'm not entirely sure if they keep checking up on you after that point, but it's no reason to slack off anyway. So far the best advice I've seen is from this one guy who says that getting approved is the easy part (Really??). The point is make money, so you have to be consistent. He says you have to take 20 shots a week that are worthy of submission, otherwise why bother?

I have one, maybe. But there is a brand new week ahead of me. When I have a few more, I'll post them for review in the forum. Holy cow, this is a little bit scary!

Five Today

2010-10-10T12:49:00.000-04:00

So I've been researching the micro stock photography websites and I think I have a good idea of what type of shot they are looking for. I don't currently have anything on par, but that's mostly because I haven't spent any time setting up my shots. I take a lot of "snapshots" that could be easily improved with a little effort. Today I am determined to get out there and try to set up five shots. They may not be something I end up using, but I gotta start somewhere.

Exciting!

Pick One

2010-10-09T18:50:00.000-04:00

Not sad, just busy. Reading, the kids are keeping me busy, and of course the house needs constant attention.

Wish I had more hours in the day. Next couple of weeks are so busy and I'm procrastinating. It seems like whatever I choose to do - I should have picked differently. That feeling will pass though. It always does.

Going to watch The Mentalist now instead of reading, cleaning, blogging more, or watching Usher dance.

Quotations of the Day

2010-10-06T22:00:00.000-04:00

"Natural inclinations are assisted and reinforced by education, but they are hardly ever altered or overcome.”

-- Montaigne

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable."

--Sidney J. Harris

We're Listening

2010-10-04T12:11:00.001-04:00

“So when you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.”

-Jiddu Krishnamurti

Sometimes it feels like I'm parenting alone. This has more to do with me than with B, but it can be overwhelming. Talking through it is frustrating. I'm too emotional and he's too rational. Neither of us listens. He wants to solve the problem. I feel like there is no solution.

Last night was different. B listened. I felt better. We (but mostly B) worked out a plan. I feel like I can function again.

Week Lost

2010-10-03T19:44:00.000-04:00

Sigh.

I want to blog but I can't think of anything to say. I spend so much of my day (most days) dealing with ONE child. I'm tired. Dropped a lot of balls this week. Feeling really upset with myself.

Mental Check

2010-09-30T23:36:00.000-04:00

It's hard to believe October starts tomorrow. Last year I sunk into a four month depression around this time. I think historically this is just a rough time for me. I don't think it's related to the seasons because it lifts in the new year. I guess it's all the holidays and end of year stresses.

I wonder if I've learned enough to avoid it. Right now, I feel pretty good mentally. There are moments of course, but so far they don't last more than a few days. If I stop blogging completely in the coming months - that's why. But I'll be back. I hope it doesn't happen this year though. Maybe it won't with the weight loss, exercise, great friends, and mindfulness.

Middle Way

2010-09-29T10:20:00.000-04:00

Accept who you are right now or act the way you want to feel? Lately I've been trying both sides. Neither one seems to fit quite right.

The person I am is quiet, lost in her own thoughts, a worrier, solitary. I judge myself negatively in these traits: introverted, unmindful, stressed, a loner.

Trying to be the person I think I should be means I am talkative, I drink, I am social. But I don't feel comfortable. Talking leads me to say things I regret. I don't drink enough to have any tolerance, so I act stupid after very little alcohol. Being out of the house drains me and takes time to recover.

The happy medium I am trying next is to be quietly mindful. Reflective, but accepting of right now. Social when I feel grounded, but aware of my limits. Drinking only as I feel I want, and not for appearances.

Lake Water

2010-09-25T12:41:00.000-04:00

Lake Life

2010-09-22T23:40:00.000-04:00

Some snapshots from around the lake, since I was on the topic of photography.

Snapshot Shop

2010-09-22T23:23:00.000-04:00

I'm in need of a fitted case for my camera so I can keep it with me more often. I'm trying to get over my fear of taking photos. Mostly it's just a fear of failure. It's safe to take photos only for myself. But lately I've been watching my friends turn their hobbies and talents into small businesses. To me, they seem brave. I mean, who am I to think my snapshots are worthy of public viewing? Then again, I really only fail if I don't even try.

I've been researching stock photography. I'm only in the beginning stages, mostly just looking around at the photos that other people take; trying to get a feel for what I want to do. And it's not as easy as snapping a few great shots and trying to market them. People shots require releases. Logos are subject to copyright laws. I need to have a better understanding of Aperture, my camera, and photography in general. Fortunately, I have the Internet, lots of books, and all the time in the world.

Family Dinners

2010-09-22T01:39:00.001-04:00

It's 1am, but today was a good day. Robotson and I worked through chores. It was our most successful conflict resolution to date. We also had a wonderful dinner together as a family, playing games and listening to music. We need more meals like this. I thought family dinners might not be that important for a family that spends it's entire day together. But I realized tonight that we are definitely lacking in fun family time. Everything is so stressful; even our vacations. We don't let loose. Why don't we do that?

Actually, we've had two of these completely joyful family experiences lately. Playing in the lake on our last day a few weeks ago, and tonight's dinner. Both times there was significant improvement in behavior. In fact, when I think back on all of those types of moments (and I'm sad to admit that there are only a few) I can definitely see a pattern. It's like B and I spend so much time trying to do it all, get it all right, figure it all out. There's no time for us to let go.

It seems so obvious. I've read about it a thousand times, but I totally never got it. Now I'm thinking about all of the families we know. Wow. I'm pretty sure I can tell who the "serious" ones are among us, and which ones have many of those family moments. And I know exactly who I want to be.

New Day

2010-09-21T09:15:00.000-04:00

Hah, I shouldn't blog at 2am. I couldn't sleep until I'd had a chance to vent, but everything always seems different in the morning.

Despite what I wrote, most of that storm was in my head. But there was a new voice this time too. Reminding me that all of the negative chatter wasn't true. I've never been able to break the cycle of my own thoughts like that before.

Wow.

Beep Beep

2010-09-21T02:21:00.000-04:00

Today was one giant steaming pile of horse poo. I spent all ... beeping ... day trying to address some problems with Robotson, and hoping to reintroduce a couple of conflict resolutions back into our family. I know working out problems and coming up with solutions together is the way I want to do things. But I also know that I've had no actual training in this type of communication and it's not really something you can get out of a book (or 10.)

BEEP! I feel so lost in all of this. I don't have anyone to help me or piles of money to pay someone. I know I'm screwing it up, but I can't fix every damn thing about myself at the same time.

Beepity beep beep beep!!

After something like EIGHT hours of interruptions, refusals, anger, frustration, and a whole lot of crying (beep beep .... stupid ...beeping ... hormones), we finally got two things worked out. Then not five minutes later it was all forgotten.

And don't even get me started on chores. I hate attaching chores to privileges, but I did it after all the Disney crap. Of course things went well at first, but I knew it would breakdown. It always does. So this was my day.

Robotson (first thing in the morning): Can I get on the computer?
Me: I'd like you to eat breakfast and brush your teeth.
R: I had a Rice Krispie treat.
M: I prefer you eat something good for you. I don't want you eating those for breakfast. They are snacks.
R: I'm not hungry.
M: Did you brush your teeth?
R: Yes.

Me in my head: He always says yes, why do you still ask?

M: Yesterday you did not do the dishes before bed. Computer time is based on chores completed the day before.
R: That's not fair! I deserve computer time! I promised my friend that I would burn him a cd!
M: You will see your friend on Tuesday. Be sure to complete your chores today so that you can handle that before we go to the park.

*tantrum break* And later...

R: Can I use the computer?
M: No, we've been over this.
R: Can I use the computer?
M: I already answered that and I'm not going to get into an argument with you.
(Repeat at least half a dozen times throughout the day.)

Later...

M: It's 9:15pm. When are you going to clean the bathroom?
R: I'm not going to clean the bathroom. I don't care if I get computer time tomorrow.
M: What about the cd?
R: I'll do it later.
M: I need the bathroom clean for the book club meeting on Wednesday.
R: You can clean it since I don't want computer time.
M: It's still your responsibility. I need you to clean it.
R: No.

At which point I just give up. Because he's got that tone of voice that says, "I won't do it. Nothing you can offer or take away will make any difference."

THIS is why I hate rewards and punishments. They don't work. My mom always tells me it's because we didn't discipline him when he was younger. Screw that. First of all, we did. Much more than she could possibly know. Second, he's always been like this. B was/is like this. It's in the ...beeping... genes.

Wanna take a guess what he'll say to me first thing in the morning? We have the same conversation just about every morning actually. I'm so tired. Every single morning at our house is a fight. When B is home it's even worse because he's completely fed up with the attitude.

Tomorrow (or I guess technically this morning since it's 2am) I may do something crazy... I was going to use the word drastic, but apparently that means violent! I had no idea. I'm not going to be violent...sheesh.

Distractible Me

2010-09-19T22:43:00.000-04:00

I had no ability to focus this weekend. Saturday was just such a weird day. It was like I was in another dimension. Jokes didn't make sense, conversations were hard to follow, I was jumpy and emotional. I probably should have taken a nap.

Today was a little better. At least I remembered (most of the time) not to speak in anger, and to breathe. But my head still isn't on straight. For the first time in nearly a year - I binged. Then I sat in the bathroom for 30 minutes and cried about everything that went wrong in the last 48 hours. Stupid damn hormones.

Our Family

2010-09-18T11:07:00.001-04:00

There is a little sadness. It's too chaotic around here to really mourn what could have been.

I was nervous; not sure what to hope for. The result was clear. I felt - I don't know what. It just is. Most of my feelings are for B, who I think was disappointed.

Can we start over? Should we? We can change our minds. We aren't good at having those kinds of big talks. They don't seem to end with answers. Life is like that though.

Tomorrow's Change

2010-09-16T22:46:00.000-04:00

Tonight B and I were talking about life. That boring adult stuff like finances, jobs, resumes, setbacks, goals, dreams, worries, and fears. Sometimes these conversations just spring up, but most of the time there is a trigger. A realization that I had yesterday was my trigger. If something BIG was to happen in our lives, how would we adjust? Do we want to adjust? Can I take everything I have learned in the past couple of years and really channel that into a permanent mindset change?

But what if nothing big happens? Don't I still want to make those lasting changes? What exactly am I waiting for?

Three Poisons

2010-09-14T23:33:00.000-04:00

"If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it's fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there's an arrow in your heart and to relate to that wound.

When we do that, the three poisons (passion, aggression, ignorance) become three seeds of how to make friends with ourselves. They give us the chance to work on patience and kindness, the chance not to give up on ourselves and not to act out or repress. They give us the chance to change our habits completely. This is what helps both ourselves and others. This is instruction on how to turn unwanted circumstances into the path of enlightenment. By following it, we can transform all that messy stuff that we usually push away into the path of awakening: reconnecting with our soft heart, our clarity, and our ability to open further." - Start Where You Are, Pema Chodron

Jeans Conundrum

2010-09-12T22:54:00.000-04:00

My mom gave me several pairs of hand-me-down jeans, along with a few t-shirts. They sat, neatly folded, in the brown paper grocery bag next to the dresser for weeks. The jeans were size 8S (the S is for short.) The shirts were all smalls.

I still have 20 pounds to lose. My current pants are sizes 10 and 12. I'm stuck with this number - this weight - that I can't budge no matter how hard I try. No point in even trying them on.

But the bag was bugging me. It was time to get them packed away, or put them in the closet. Maybe I'd just try on one pair of jeans to see how close I was to fitting into single digits.

They fit.

But that made no sense. I put on my size 12 "skinny" jeans. They fit. I put on my size 10 jeans. They fit. I put on my size 12 slacks. They fit. Weird. I hung everything up in my closet.

Quotations of the Day

2010-09-12T21:15:00.000-04:00

"The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible."

--Bertrand Russell

"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly. I said I don't know."

--Mark Twain

Lake House

2010-09-11T22:55:00.000-04:00

We are back from the lake. The end of our trip was much better. B figured out why the dishwasher wasn't working. We got used to running out of water every five minutes, and adjusted our usage accordingly. B and I talked through some of the difficulties of parenting, and found we were on the same page. We even decided to make more regular visits to the house, and take on some of the responsibility of maintaining the property.

Back at home - there's a lot of catching up to do, and a busy week ahead. In fact, I've got a dvd I need to watch. More tomorrow.

Vacation Dammit

2010-09-09T10:26:00.001-04:00

I am determined to enjoy these last two days at the lake.

<mini rant> Our last several getaways have been more stressful than
just being at home! Bordering on using the word nightmare to describe
this week so far. It's been one meltdown after another, punctuated
with things breaking down causing more work - mostly for me. </mini
rant>

And so I am done chasing the kids out of the kitchen, begging people
to eat upstairs at the table with the tv off, and breaking up fights.
Instead, I am going to read Emma and Start Where You Are. I am going
to swim by myself. And I am going to rest.

Don't ask me for anything.

Anger Spoken

2010-09-07T20:22:00.006-04:00

Please pardon any typos or grammar mistakes. I'm writing this on my
phone. I'll address any mistakes when I have access to a computer.

One of the things I am trying to learn these days is how to put
mindfulness into practice during the stressful times. Sunday was one
of those kind of days. Robotson was upset with me and was sporting a
very disagreeable attitude. I was able to remember to find compassion
for his feelings; to realize that even though I had good reason for
upsetting him, his feelings were real. I needed to take care of my own
feelings, and then tell him how his behavior was affecting me. This I
did, and it really worked. I was completely at peace when I talked to
him about my anger. He even said to me, "Mom you don't look or sound
angry." So the message I needed him to hear got through. After our
talk, he was quite literally perfect the rest of the day.

Since then, I've not done as well. Monday and Tuesday were difficult
for different reasons, and I'm having trouble taking care of me first.
I just need to keep practicing. At least I get it right sometimes.
That's got to count for something.

Testing

2010-09-05T01:30:00.000-04:00

Testing to see if I can email my blog posts. If you see this, then yes I can!

0-2

2010-09-03T23:54:00.000-04:00

I had two goals for this evening. The first was to watch the Netflix DVD I've had sitting around for two weeks. The second was to download and post the pictures from our tubing trip earlier this week. Well the movie, Death At A Funeral (2010) stunk. The original was much, much better. And my pictures stunk too. Somehow I managed to only get weird looking expressions, or fuzzy shots. That happens sometimes. I usually take a lot more pictures to account for that, but it's hard to be photographer and mom. I wish I'd been able to bring the camera along during the actual tubing. I saw so many amazing things that I could have captured.

So I guess I'll read Emma for a couple of hours. I don't have to get up early for the gym in the morning so I can be up late! Woohoo!

I'm Scared

2010-09-02T14:44:00.000-04:00

Not to harp on the subject, but I hope to feel better by getting this out of my head, I am scared of getting out of debt. Seems kind of silly to write it out like that. It should be that being in debt is scary, right? The thing is, I've had a lot of time to think about our financial situation. It's not a life or death matter. Right now, worst case scenario - we ruin our credit. Sucks, but hey...life is all about lessons. Obviously I want to avoid this, but it doesn't scare me nearly as much as fixing the problem.

The fear comes from my family's inevitable reaction to the word no. No eating out, no big birthday parties, no huge Christmas, no vacations, no new toys, no new computers. Basically if we can live without it - we need to. We can do this. It's going to be hard. I'm sorry we are in this place.

Please don't hate me for trying to fix it.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Financial Focus

2010-09-02T01:08:00.000-04:00

Note to self: Getting out of debt is like losing weight. You did not acquire that debt overnight and you will not pay it off that way either.

It will take us longer to get out of debt than to get healthy, but financial health is just as important as physical health.

Breathe in. There is no sense in worrying about a future you can not predict.

Breathe out. Make good decisions in the present moment to not worsen the situation needlessly.

Revisting Austen

2010-08-30T21:41:00.000-04:00

I have a sort-of cold. It's like I sneeze three or four times a day, my throat hurts just a little off and on, and I feel tired - no fevers. It's more annoying than anything else. Looks like all three kids have something similar. So far it hasn't stopped us from doing anything, but I'm ready to feel better right now.

Instead of doing schoolwork today, I let the girls watch t.v. (hoping to get them to rest up for our busy week), while Robotson played with GarageBand. I got a chance to finish The Cookbook Collector. Not my normal type of book, and actually I'd thought it would be a bit more Austen-like, but it wasn't bad. Got me craving a bit of Jane, and the universe seems to be hinting that I should read her again. Perhaps I'll watch Pride and Prejudice for a few hours.

When I was leaving the Y this morning there was a really beautiful butterfly resting on the ground. There was also this ant that kept running around it. The butterfly calmly flapped it wings whenever the ant got too close and it would scurry away - only to come right back. I watched them for a while and tried to breathe in the moment.

Night Craving

2010-08-29T23:45:00.000-04:00

Tonight while reading The Cookbook Collector, my stomach began protesting loudly. Technically I had no calories left to eat for the day, but a candy bar would hit the spot. Except nothing is open at 10pm on a Sunday night in Bethlehem. The closest thing open was a QT in Loganville, so we loaded the girls into the van. Dimples was in her Snow White dress and mismatched dress up shoes (both left feet), and Funny Girl was wearing a Pinkalicious crown. Adorable.

I love middle of the night excursions. Before kids, B and I used to take drives around 285 or shop at Tower Records - just because we could. I miss those times. Tower is closed, gas prices are high, kids get cranky, B has a "normal" job. So late night trips to QT will have to do for now. Paydays taste better at night though.

Plans Interrupted

2010-08-28T14:40:00.000-04:00

Do you ever get fed up with the kids yelling and then scream at them to stop yelling? I had one of those moments today.

Robotson and I were trying to watch Thich Nhat Hahn give instructions on how to be a bell master. He did a series of talks a week ago in the U.K., some of which were recorded and are available online. I only took the time to watch part of his second talk, but it was this one that had the bell master instruction. Robotson is interested in seeing it, but it's been hard to find the time. Thich Nhat Hahn is very soft spoken, so we need to find a quiet place to really hear it. I tried to plan this out by setting the girls up with a DVD, but then Robotson was hungry. I made him lunch. He was still hungry. He makes himself more food. We get all ready to watch, and now he's thirsty. The girl's movie is now half over. He's ready to watch again, but then his stomach hurts. He comes back, and now the girls want something to eat. The movie ends; it's time to make lunch. Meanwhile, we have only managed to watch half of the video. At this point, I am extremely frustrated and they know it.

Vacuuming seems like a good idea. I need to do something productive. I try to concentrate on breathing and being in the present. That's when I realize how absurd it is to get so upset over messed up plans while watching a video about being mindful. It made me laugh. I apologized to Robotson and explained why I was frustrated. We still haven't finished watching the talk. I don't like how the day is going, but I figure the more I can accept life's interruptions - the better off we will all be in the long run.

Wife Support

2010-08-27T15:58:00.000-04:00

I'm pretty sure the only thing I am modeling for my kids right now is exhaustion and crabbiness. I should give myself a little bit of credit - I'm not as snappy as I've been in the past.

Last night I had coffee with a friend who just found out her husband has AS. I went with the intention of being totally there for her. It was impossible to find support when I needed it all those years ago and I really wanted to be that person for her. Turns out I needed to talk about it just as much as she did. We have so many similar experiences and frustrations, but we both also see the positive sides of our relationships. She hasn't made all the mental adjustments that I've made yet, but I've know for six years. Her son is also AS, so she has additional worries - plus some health issues of her own. It's a lot to take in at once, but I want to be there for her. It really was so nice to talk to someone who really gets it.