I'm feeling very out of balance right now.  I'm sure some of that has to do with losing my FIL, but it's more than that.  I know I'm avoiding some thing that I don't want to deal with.  I know I would feel better if I just accepted some things and worked toward solutions.  I just can't seem to make myself do it. 

Another thing that is messing me up right now is our random schedule.  I've always felt better when I know how our day/week/month is going to go, but at the same time I do enjoy being spontaneous.  Inevitably though, I end up feeling too overwhelmed and I want to reign everything back in.  I need to do that now. 

I think I'm going to spend the next two days looking for balance.  I need to feel better in some of these areas because the stress is too much right now. 

Single Mom Life

I've been given a little glimpse into the life of a single mom this past week.  I have a whole new appreciation for this type of parenting because it is unbelievably difficult and tiring.  I can think of a couple of moms in my immediate friend circle that deal with this on a daily basis, and yet a couple more that have husbands that travel. 

B has been staying with his sister and her husband, helping to take care of his father who is in hospice care.  He's now been there for seven days.  I am rather ashamed to admit I've run a gambit of emotions over this.  First there is the obviousness of an upcoming loss.  B's dad has always been a central part of our lives, even if we didn't get to see him as much as we'd liked too recently.  But other emotions have crept up over time like jealousy and irritation.  I'm trying to acknowledge my feelings and accept that they are valid.  I try to do this with the kids when they have big feelings.  I make an effort to allow them their feelings even if the reasons behind them aren't necessarily logical.  In my case, I know they aren't logical but beating myself up over having them never makes me feel better.  I'm finding it's just better to breathe through them and allow them to be what they are until they pass. 

Why am I jealous and irritated?  Well the short answer is because this is hard and I have no help and no downtime.  I'm spoiled in that way.  I take for granted the times I can go to the grocery by myself,  send the kids off to bed with B to have some quiet time, or have a mom's night out.  None of these things are possible when there is only one adult around.  Those are luxuries though.  There are many little things that happen each day that take just a little bit of time but add up to a big ball of exhaustion.  There are no other ears to listen to the constant chatter and questions.  There is no one else to help them make food or clean up messes.  No one else to fix anything that breaks (mostly electronic in our house.)  There is no other adult conversation, no one else to be alert when you hear a weird noise, no one cover you when you get sick and really need a nap.  On top of everything going on, we got sick this week.  It's bad enough when the kids get sick, but my getting hit first (and hardest) was very uncool. 

Before I get too far into what surely looks like a pity party, I should say that most of these feelings I've breathed through.  Like I said, I know they are illogical.  First because what B is doing is important.  This is his father.  Second, I know B is coming home and I don't have to do this on my own forever.  B has offered to come back several times, but I always tell him I don't need him.  There's pretty much nothing that could happen here that I would tell him to come home for. 

So while I've learned to understand more about my single mom friends, I've also had my eyes opened a bit to how much easier it is when B is around.  I, like most moms, complain that it seems like B isn't helping out around here.  The truth is that he helps out in dozens of little ways that I take for granted all the time.  I'd still like a little more help keeping the house clean or keep the kids busy now and then, but the truth is that without him those things are nearly impossible.  Cleaning?  Never going to happen.  It's all I can do to keep up with the laundry and dishes (which are technically Robotson's job but that's another story.)  That's another thing that is missing right now, another adult to back up what I ask the kids to do.  In general, I hope that I've instilled the idea that we all work together to keep things nice where we live, but the truth is that sometimes hearing it from both parents seems more effective. 

I feel like I should also say that one week on my own does a full perspective give.  I may never fully understand what it's like for my single mom friends and I'll probably forget soon enough how valuable B really is here.  That's why I am writing this, as a reminder for when I start to feeling like things are too tough for me.  It could certainly be a lot tougher.

Going Vegan - First Month

I was not a perfect vegan in January.  Did I ever mention on this blog that I was trying to give up dairy and eggs?  Well eggs weren't a main staple in my diet anyway.  I'd avoided them in baking for a while, but I didn't avoid them when I was eating out.  As for dairy, we'd given up cow milk years ago, but cheese was an everyday thing.  Sour cream, butter, and ice cream were definitely weekly menu items. 

So in January my original plan was to cut all of those out completely for 31 days.  I lasted six.  We had some car trouble and I bought a Blizzard.  My stress/food relationship is a topic for another post entirely.  After that I mostly ate vegan, but I didn't beat myself up over it.  I had some frozen egg rolls a couple of times.  At Chili's I had a slice of cheese on my black bean burger.  I got mayonnaise on my sub.  I had one Cappuccino Blast (which is a record for me in the past 6 years) all month.  So no, I was no where near perfect. 

We also gave up soda in the new year.   The soda thing was a family decision.  Going vegan was just for B and I, though we have greatly reduced the amount of dairy and eggs in the kids diets just by not serving it all of the time. 

How did we feel last month?  Well I didn't feel tired or ill because of the change, though I wouldn't say we felt remarkably better either.  I had good days and bad days.  Oh I forgot to mention I still ate chocolate, though I do prefer dark over milk.  Either way, I didn't notice a huge difference in how I felt.  I didn't crave some things as much as I expected like the coffee drinks, but I had a few days when I really wanted spaghetti with Parmesan cheese.  I didn't even crave pizza, but I did eat one slice early in the month.   The first time I noticed a difference in anything I was eating was when I made some International Cafe instant coffee.  It had a distinct milky aftertaste that I did not like.   B noticed it too and we practically mentioned it at the same time as we drank.  Still the Cappuccino Blast didn't have it, nor cheese slice on my burger. 

The next time I noticed anything was when I was stress binging again.  I ate a handful of Cheetos cheese puffs and a scoop of cookies and cream ice cream.  There was no aftertaste, but I felt physically ill.  I really wanted to throw up, only I'm not a puker.  I felt so terrible that I didn't even get on the treadmill that evening.  This was particularly distressing because another new habit I am trying to form is exercising daily for 30 minutes.  I know exactly what day I did this stress binge because it broke my perfect January streak on the 31st.  I ended up going to bed early and making up the time on February 1st by doing an hour.  I attributed my feeling sick to eating too much dairy and of mixing two kinds.  Either way, I felt sure it was the dairy since it happened within minutes of eating it. 

Which brings me to today.  It's been a stressful week and I haven't been sleeping well.  The girls were spending the night at a friend's which makes sleeping even harder for me, and I had to get up early (for me) to meet them in the morning.  By the time we were heading home I was totally not looking forward to cooking.  Tomorrow is SuperBowl Sunday.  B and I had planned to go all out and test our veganness by ordering Mexican.  Only 24 hours seemed so far away, and I was already out near our favorite restaurant, and I could practically taste the food already.  So what's one day, right?  I got all of our favorites, plus soda (It was Happy Hour at Sonic after all!) and headed home. 

I ate half of my meal plus some chips and cheese dip.  I drank maybe a third of the soda.  B ate most of his, no cheese dip or chips, and I'm not sure how much soda.  Robotson had a milkshake and had been eating some egg salad that we'd made yesterday.  These eggs were the first he'd eaten all month as there were none in the house and we hadn't eaten them out.  The girls both had some cheese dip, chips, and soda.  Funny Girl had ordered an egg and cheese burrito from Sonic, and Dimples ordered cheese fries.

Neither one of the girls completely finished their sodas or ate as much cheese dips as usual.  Funny Girl took one bite from her burrito before saying she didn't want it.  Dimples ate all of her fries.  Neither of them had any other issues. 

Robotson drank half the shake and most of the egg salad then laid down on the couch complaining of stomach issues.  He used the bathroom a few times and eventually felt better.  He ended up eating a little of Funny Girl's burrito, but minus the egg I noticed. 

B said he felt weird after all that he ate and laid down for a bit.  He took a small nap, got up for a little while and then ended up back in bed.  He didn't say much else about it.

I felt nauseous after what I ate.  It hit me pretty quickly just like with the cheese puffs and ice cream.  I laid down for a bit and felt better in a few hours.  I got on the treadmill and decided to finish my food because I was pretty sure I didn't want to eat any of that on Sunday.  I have felt horrible ever since.  My intestines are just aching.  I could go TMI here, but suffice it to say that my bowels are not happy.  I just want to go to bed. 

Now I can't claim with 100% certainty that this isn't all in my head.  However, I can tell you that I want to not be vegan.  Vegan is a PITA.  It's more food preparation, more grocery shopping, more thinking about food, and practically no eating out.  I do not like any of those things.  I want to grab pizza or Mexican for dinner.  I want to drink iced coffee drinks.  I want to sprinkle cheese on everything.  But I don't want to feel sick.

I even Googled to see if this happens to other people.  No one really has the same reactions to things, but what I'm experiencing is not impossible.  I've never had any issues with dairy, so I'm surprised this could be really happening.  But I feel like I have two choices.  I can have little bits of dairy/eggs and build up a tolerance again or keep moving towards vegan.  The thing is that the way I feel right now is so yucky that it makes me think there is no way I'm supposed to eat like I did today.  And those thoughts push me towards vegan.  There is pretty much nothing about vegan eating that makes me question my choices.  Yet everything I ate today does.  So I guess that's my answer. 

Kid Lit Review: Peter Pan in Scarlet

Peter Pan in Scarlet was the first up in my kid's lit list for this year.  I finally read listened to the original Peter Pan while walking on the treadmill earlier this month.  I wanted to read hear it before beginning the first authorized sequel to J.M. Barrie's classic.

Peter Pan in Scarlet is o.k.   It was an quick, easy read, but tended to drag a bit in places.  I think it would appeal more to Robotson than the original.  That said, it had some very interesting characters and places.  Even more interesting were those very same characters and places as they were first described turned out to be completely different by the end of the book.  It sort of mirrored the way the Ravelling Man could never quite be gotten a hold of.   I also quite liked the illustrations and the imagery in the book.  Both created a very vivid pictures in my head.

Overall, I think kids who liked the original would enjoy this one too.

Is there something to do?

January is not my favorite month.  I've got too much to do.

Aperture needs to be cleaned up, masters moved out, backed up, and I still need to put together the yearly photos of the kids.

Speaking of photos, I need to go through my 2011 folder that I've dumped all of my iPhone photos into over the year and weed out 90%.  Yesterday I managed to get through Jan and Feb.  There are still  2,799 photos in there.  Is it too much to think I might accomplish this before the month is over?

Add in the changing to vegan therefore spending too much damn time in the kitchen.  Plus I want to actually read this year and participate in book clubs.  Then there is that homeschooling thing I am supposed to keep up with.  The house will need an occasional cleaning, I guess. 

I'm already tired and we are only two weeks in.  I am determined though.  I can sleep when I'm dead, right?

Children's Literature

I love that we have so many books.  Honestly, I wish every wall in our house was filled with books, but the trouble with that is finding the time to read them.  I especially love that we have so many books for the kids.  I love reading with them, but sometimes they don't want to read what I think sounds good!  So I've decided to pick up my reading for 2012, and I want to read one of the kid's books for myself each month as well.   I'm going to make a list, but you know how those go....sometimes I stick to them and sometimes I don't.  In no particular order, these are the ones I want to check out in the coming months:

The Wright 3 by Blue Balliett

The  Borrowers by Mary Norton

Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen

Trollbridge: A Rock 'N' Roll Fairy Tale by Jane Yolen and Adam Stemple

Surviving the Applewhites by Stephanie Tolan

Peter Pan in Scarlet by Geraldine McCaughrean

The Thief and the Beanstalk by P. W. Catanese

The View from Saturday by E. L. Konigsburg

The Shakespeare Stealer by Gary Blackwood

Utterly Me, Clarice Bean by Lauren Child

The Moffats by Eleanor Estes

Arabel and Mortimer by Joan Aiken

Invasive species

It's December 1st and we still have ants.  What is particularly annoying about them is that they are in places that make no sense.  They don't get into the kitchen or the animals' food.  They are in the bathrooms (o.k. that makes sense because they are looking for water), on the bannisters, and hanging out on one wall in the living room.  I'm glad they aren't getting into food.  I am not glad that I feel like I still have to eliminate every single one of them or they will eventually find food.  See, when they get into something there is a traceable path and you can stop it.  When they are just randomly wandering it is impossible to figure out where they are coming from. 

I feel like this is a metaphor for something in my life.

I am tired of looking for ants.  I am really tired of them even still being active this year. 

Kindsight

A friend posted this on Facebook this morning.  I thought it was a pretty good reminder.  Then the same message showed up in the movie Delgo that the kids were watching.  I like this.

I know I have to stop beating myself up over the past, but when I read things like this I feel terrible. 

The study showed that a mother's stress system can be compromised by becoming either overactive or underactive. In mothers with higher depressive symptoms, stress responses were "hyperactive," the researchers found. These moms' heart rate patterns began higher, then spiked when their toddler was upset. After the mom was reunited with the child, their heart rate pattern remained elevated. During the free-play sessions, mothers with hyperactive stress responses engaged in the highest levels of hostility with their toddler, including derogatory comments, angry tone of voice, and rough physical interaction.

Although the popular image of depression is of someone who is listless and sad, Sturge-Apple points out that the study confirms what clinicians have long observed: that depression in mothers sometimes is linked to harsh, highly reactive parenting, not subdued mothering. This study helps to explain the biological basis of such behavior; the stress response systems of moms suffering from depression are on high alert, oversensitive to social stressors and unable to calm down, explains Sturge-Apple.

 I am *still* like this.  That last sentence is my awful truth.  Robotson has felt the brunt of this.  I hate that many of his current issues are probably related to my issues and I hate that it's still affecting us. 

I am feeling better though.   It's been a little crazy around here with all the running around, plus the job changes, and lifestyle changes.   Perhaps it was just the stress of it all that got to me.  I think we may be stabilizing a bit at least on the job/money front.  I'm sort of looking forward to the cooler weather and the excuse to stay home more. 

When I'm not feeling very good I don't like being touched.  This is sort of a problem because I don't live alone. 

I don't like when I tell the kids not to hang on me, but sometimes I feel so uncomfortable I feel like I might scream or push them away. 

Lately I've been trying to breathe through it.  This is extremely difficult and usually I can't concentrate on anything else.   Interestingly, my mom never liked to be touched.  She never said why, it's just something I know about her.  I'm doing better than her at least in that I'm raising three kids who still like human contact.   Hopefully they always have that in spite of my issues.  Hopefully this is a temporary setback and I'll feel better and more human soon. 

I feel a little foolish noting when I am feeling blue, but this is probably the best way for me to see patterns.  So here I am feeling sad.  It's not exactly the same this time.  For example, I only cry occasionally, but usually when I do I also have the self-loathing in my head.   It scares me a little how easily I can slip into that without realizing it's happening.  I do eventually hear it and try to stop, but honestly sometimes I don't have the energy.   That scares me too.  But there are other times, like today when I felt like I could cry, but I never did and it didn't suddenly avalanche into something more.

I think part of the trigger is feeling overwhelmed.  Part of my self-hatred is that I can't handle this normal part of life.  Lots of people feel overwhelmed so why can't I just deal with it without getting weepy.  It's there in that sentence.  When I read that sentence I can see the sneer; see the contempt for how pathetic I am.  I can't give myself a break which is a big part of the problem when I'm depressed.  Asking for help is not acceptable.  I try to break this cycle by asking for help anyway, but it's not there.   I need another me.  I need someone who doesn't need everything spelled out for them, written down, explained over and over, and that will understand that I like things done a certain way.  Taking the time to learn how I like things done is basically the same as saying "We care about you and your feelings."  Saying you care while also saying that you just can't see the value in doing something a certain way is not the same.  My family like their food or their toys or their projects a certain way.  I'm not perfect, but I've learned most of these preferences and really try to keep them in mind.  When I forget I apologize.  I understand not being mindful or being mad and not caring, but most of the time I really do try.  It doesn't feel like that for my preferences.  I get told it's too hard, doesn't make sense, they don't care, they forgot, or just plain ignored.  So then I start to feel like I should just do it because at least I don't have to explain or fight with myself, and then I get overwhelmed.  This is where I am right now.  I'm tired and I'm slipping into bad feelings and I need help.  Maybe I need help for my brain, but I  also need help at home.  I just don't have the energy to detail and explain it all out.  Especially not when most of what I say won't even happen and then more energy will be spent getting upset. 

I could just choose to not get upset.  I could just take what I get.  Oh how I wish I could do that.  I feel like I've tried, but it still bugs me.  I wish it didn't and then I hate myself for not being able to just get over it.  I get stuck there hating myself for not doing it all, hating everyone else for not helping me the way I want, and hating myself for hating myself.

It's October too.  What if it gets worse?

It's been a month...

...since I've written about photography or Elements.   I've been continuing to mull things over though.  There are a few more thoughts I've had on the subject.

1.  I'm not a great photographer.  I see photos every single day that amaze me.  Most are taken by people who have basically the same equipment that I have, and live normal busy lives like I do, but they see things.  I look at their photos and I wonder why I don't see those things.  Part of the answer is that I feel like I don't have the time.  Sometimes I see beauty, but I'm rushing off somewhere and there is no time to stop and compose a shot.  Most of the time, I bet I miss it completely.  I'm tired of always being in a rush to go or do something.  

It's not just about seeing things, it's about showing you what I've seen through the photo.  I'm pretty good at that, but not great.  My stuff doesn't look or even make me feel like other's photos do.  I know what I think is great and it's not what I can do right now.  


2.  Another thought I had about photography is that I care entirely too much what other people think, while at the same time I dislike the praise.  I want people to love all of my pictures, but I feel incredibly embarrassed when I'm told.  What the hell is wrong with me?  More importantly though, why can't I just do it for me?  I say that I take pictures for me and when I am actually physically taking them - it really is.  But afterwards, the only way to keep the good feelings about what I've done is to not show them to anyone.   Once I put them out there I get too emotionally involved with them.  It's not a good feeling.

I read on Tiny Buddha today that to be successful, first you need to define success for yourself.  Then you know your goals and priorities.  The article also said success is dynamic.  So what you may think is success one day, can and probably will be different the next.   I don't know what success is or how to figure it out.  I am lost.  For the first time in my life I wish I was alone so I could think.  I've never been, or ever wanted to be alone before.  Now more than anything I wish I was forced to be silent and face my own thoughts and feelings until I know who I am.

Mom's Craft Night

I bought a camera strap

This one. 

So I figured even if photography isn't my thing, I do often wish I had my camera with me.  The most popular advice on the photography blogs that I follow is keep your camera with you.  Kids make it harder to do this, though it's gotten easier as they've gotten older.   Hopefully the strap will make it even easier, especially since other pieces of advice on those blogs are things like shoot with only one lens for a while and take fewer pictures.  No need to keep my camera bag with me if all I need is the lens on the camera and one CF card.  This should be interesting.

I was thinking I should update my photo blog.  The theme I was using is broken which totally bums me out.  I guess I'll look for something different or just change to a regular format.  Part of me wants to post one photo per day, but after a while it becomes more of a chore than something fun.  I feel like I should try to force myself though.  Like writers need to write something every single day, I should try to shoot something every day.  Maybe tomorrow I can work on the theme for the blog - see if I can fix the current one, or find something new. 

Her Tribe

One of my favorite bloggers recently wrote about her tribe.  It's a beautiful piece and a wonderful example of what Sir Ken was describing in The Element.

Blah Blah Element Blah Blah

If your tired of reading about Elements you might want to skip this one. 

One thing about finding my Element that I've danced around, but is always in my head is the that I might be able to once again contribute in a meaningful way to my family.  Meh, I know being a full-time mom and homeschooling is contributing.  Whatever.  I feel like a leech.   It's been years since I've done anything that pays me money.  I don't want a J.O.B.  I want to do something that moves me and if it happens to bring in some money, that's awesome too.  I don't mean I want to get rich.  I just want to feel like I have a purpose because it's been a long time since I felt that.  I didn't love working for EarthLink, but at least I got paid.  I loved working for MindSpring though.  I truly did.  If MindSpring still existed and hadn't changed much culturally I think I'd still be there and the kids would be in school.  Is that bad?  I just really loved everything about that company. 

Back to Elements though.  Maybe finding my passion would be enough even if it didn't make money, but since I don't have passion or a job...

Maybe if I could be in love with doing something and it paid me money then I could.  What?  Relieve B from having to work so much/at all?  I don't know. 

I watched Fierce Light:  Where Spirit Meets Action last night.  It was beautiful, you should watch it.  It's available on Netflix streaming.  Anyway, it made me want to do *something* anything.  Is this so hard because I am over-thinking it?  (Duh, right.)  Or is it hard because I am being stubborn?  (Is it????)  Or is it hard because it's all bullshit?  Fuck. 

Content or scared?

If I am honestly thinking about finding my Element, I should consider the possibility that I am afraid of success.

There are plenty of areas in which I am not content, but what stops me is not fear of success.  It's lack of willpower or motivation or willing to make the necessary changes permanently. 

But what about the P word?  Am I content or afraid?  Don't know, but I'll be thinking about it.

One small step

Today was shit.  I've been in a mood all day and several of the things I was looking forward to just didn't happen.  So when I was sitting there trying to come up with what on earth to eat for dinner, my mind immediately wandered to pizza, Doritos, soda, alcohol, and ice cream.  I began to form a plan in my mind to run to the grocery and pick up anything that struck my fancy so I could veg out in front of the t.v.  Even though it's 90 degrees outside, I felt that pants were probably a better choice so I got up the change clothes.  Well my "fat" jeans were tight sending me into a panic.  Here I was planning to gorge myself and already I can't fit into my clothes.  Well to be fair, these jeans are still a size 10 and they did fit, but they were tighter than I was hoping they'd be.  Also to be fair, my legs are swelling today.  I'm not sure if it's the driving I did, or the standing I've been doing more of lately, or maybe just that time of the month.  Anyway, I was upset.  So then I swing in the other direction of I'm not eating anything for a week.  Very sane of me, yes?

Somehow in the crazy I managed to hear myself say that we had plenty of food here.  Most likely it was the hunger making me think I could eat all night anyway.  All I really needed to do was get something into my stomach.  Something.  What something?  I opened a can of olives and devoured it.  But then I felt better and thought maybe some rice and beans would be good so I started to boil some wild rice and ate an orange.  Finally I was feeling sane.  I drank water and had a handful of dark chocolate covered blueberries.  Now I feel full and the rice isn't even done cooking. 

I thought I wanted comfort food, but what I really want is for the people in my life to have as much confidence in themselves as I have in them.  I want them to be happy.  I want them to take deep breaths when it gets scary and remember that the important things are people not bills.  The chances of us ever starving to death or being truly homeless are pretty much zero.  It's not impossible, but so many people would have to be dead before that would happen.  I want comfort for my the people that I love, not for me. 

Now if I can only remember this the next time I feel like the only thing that will make things better is Baskin Robbins. 

Aside from the obvious fact that I need to learn to love myself as I am right now, I need to learn how to nourish my body when it's hurting - not hurt it more.  I may still overeat tonight and end up sitting in front of a movie trying to forget my worries, but I'll have a bowl of rice and black beans in front of me instead of Doritos. 

Still on about my Element

Near the end of The Element, I finally read something that clicked specifically with me.  In the chapter For Love or Money, Sir Ken talks about the difference between an amateur and professional.   We generally see amateurs as people who aren't capable of being pros.  But the definition of amateur is, "a person who engages in a study, sport, or other activity for pleasure rather than for financial benefit or professional reasons."  


When I read this I literally had to put the book down and remember to shut my mouth.  Seems so simple!  Going back to my rocky relationship with photography it's easy to see that I have no interest in taking pictures for money.  In many cases, I don't even want to share the pictures with more than a few people.  I take pictures for me and my pleasure.  I feel nearly possessive about it.  


O.k. this is not a totally new revelation for me.  I was talking about it back in May and I've thought about it off and on for a while.  Over the years people have suggested I try to get paid, but I have a million excuses why that won't work.  It comes across as me having no self-confidence.  There is definitely something to that, but that can't be totally it.  I've never had as much self-confidence as I do right now and I still don't want to "do" photography.  It's kind of sad to go back and read posts from late last year and early this year when I was so into stock photography.  It sounds like I gave up, because at the time I was so sure it was going to work.  I learned a lot when I was reading those forums and trying to achieve a certain quality level.  There are a lot of factors why it didn't work out.  It was going to be a full-time job, there aren't a lot of stock photography subjects in my house, and it was boring after a while.  I can appreciate a nice photo of an apple, but taking that photo is kind of *yawn*.  


Have I come full circle on the photography thing?  Am I now thinking it's my Element?  I still don't know.  Maybe Sir Ken is wrong.  I should probably mention that in my thinking.  But more likely I just haven't found it yet.  I haven't taken the picture that starts it all or met someone from my tribe.  Who knows?

Quotation of the Day

A relevant quotation to The Element.

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."

-Voltaire

Tribes

Still reading The Element and I got to the part about tribes.  Sir Ken says, "For most people, a primary component of being in their Element is connecting with other people who share their passion and a desire to make the most of themselves through it."  He goes on, "Tribe members can be collaborators or competitors.  They can share the same vision or have utterly different ones.  They can be of similar age or from different generations.  What connects a tribe is a common commitment to the thing they feel born to do.  This can be extraordinarily liberating, especially if you've been pursuing your passion alone."

However tribes are not groups of people who come together for a single purpose such as being a fan of a sports team.  That also reminded me of other types of groups that I identify with, but aren't necessarily tribes.   Homeschooling groups, atheists, sports fan, former MindSpring employee, and I'm sure many others.  The difference between a tribe and a group is that a tribe helps you become more yourself.  A group is more likely to absorb you to where you become one of many.  What he says below is something I have found is true for me.

"But even in more benign versions, it results in a sense of anonymity that leads people to lose inhibitions and sometimes perform acts they later regret, and in most cases do things outside their normal personalities.  In other words, these actions can take you far from your true self."


Lately I've actually noticed this happening.  Not that it's something new, but that I never saw it before.  Being part of a group is important - I just want to be mindful that I stay myself. 

I keep thinking about my Element and now I've been thinking about my tribe.  I still don't know where I fit in at this point.  I don't mean that to sound like I feel something is missing.  What I mean is that I don't know if I've found my Element yet.  It may still be photography, but maybe I haven't shot what drives me yet.  Or maybe it's something else that I enjoy now, but I can't see it.  It could even be something I know deep down, but am afraid to really look at yet. 

Regardless I'm enjoying the book and it's inspiring me to read more and look more. 

Senses and Intelligence

Some great points from The Element:

"The other pillar of the Enlightenment was a growing belief in the importance of evidence in support of scientific ideas-- evidence that one could observe through the human senses-- rather than superstition or hearsay."

"The influence of logic and evidence extended beyond the 'hard' sciences.  They also shaped the formative theories in the human sciences, including psychology, sociology, anthropology, and medicine."

"So it is that we came to think of real intelligence in terms of logical analysis:  believing that rationalist forms of thinking were superior to feeling and emotion, and that the ideas that really count can be conveyed in words or through mathematical expressions."

"Robert Cooper, author of The Other 90%, says that we shouldn't think of intelligence as happening only in the brain in our skulls.  He talks of the 'heart' brain and the 'gut' brain.  Whenever we have a direct experience, he says, it does not go directly to the brain in our heads.  The first place it goes is to the neurological networks of the intestinal tract and heart.  He describes the first of these, which is 'independent of but also interconnected with the brain in the cranium.'  He says that this is why we often experience our first reaction to events as a 'gut reaction.'  Whether or not we acknowledge them, he says, our gut reactions shape everything we do."

These quotations are going to change me.  I've taken a lot of pride in my rational thoughts and gotten very indignant when people let their emotions guide them.  But that third quotation is really getting to me.  Feeling and emotion can't be brushed under the rug.  Rational or not, I have three children with HUGE emotions that overcome them on a daily basis.  I constantly wonder when they'll learn how to be rational human beings, yet at the same time I try to practice emotionally intelligent parenting where I teach them that all feelings are valid - it's how you respond to them that matter.  So there is a rationality in there, but it's not in getting rid of the feeling altogether.  Even though I "knew" that, I still wanted them to grow out of the emotions and into rational people.  But is that even possible (or even good?) 

And gut reactions.  Oh boy.  There are certain things that happen in my life that trigger an automatic response in my intestines.  Yes, specifically right there.  A middle of the night cough will tie me in knots over possible throwing up to come even though no one has had the flu here for over two years.  How could I say that my reaction to a cough is rational?  I can calm myself down and not let it overcome me, but the feeling of anxiety always comes first.  How does that relate to intelligence though because it certainly doesn't seem smart to fret over a cough.  There are positive internal reactions too.   Sometimes I feel a soaring sense in my chest when I'm happy.  Once or twice I've felt like I'm expanding to connect with everything in the universe.  How can that be explained logically?

Natural ability + passion

I'm reading Sir Ken Robinson's "The Element" and he says everyone has an intersection of ability and passion.  I'm only one chapter in, but already he's mentioned that there will be cases where someone can't find their element because it's not accessible to them.  For example I might be the best darn camel racer who ever lived but since I've only seen one in my entire life I guess we'll never know.  But I think for the most part people can find their element and I suppose this book can help with that.  At least I hope so, because at this point I haven't got a clue.

Don't say "but what about photography?"  I know I have ability and sometimes I have passion.  It's the sometimes that bothers me.  Like right now I am just totally bored with taking photos.  I've basically quit Instagram and any other type of picture taking since we got back from Ohio.  The photos I took there were mostly for documenting the trip anyway.  I think I lack passion.  I certainly go through phases where all I eat, sleep, and breathe is __whatever___, but it's never like forever.  Maybe I'm confused about what passion is, but so far the people that Sir Ken is describing in the book seem to be consistent with their love.  I do always come back around to photography, but somehow over time it becomes a chore again.   Then I drop it for a while (sometimes years) and pick it back up when the mood strikes.  I'm like this with everything.  Sometimes I love to read and other times I can't stand to look at my email even.  A band I couldn't get enough of last week might make my brain explode now.   I have spurts of blogging in between months of boredom with the whole idea.  I could go on.

On the other hand it's so obvious that my son's passion is music.  It's been a constant since he was three months old.  B would lay him on his lap while he played songs night after night while I worked.  He still loves and plays the songs we introduced to him ten and a half years ago:  Modjo Lady (Hear Me Tonight) - Sept 2000, Daft Punk One More Time - Nov 2000, Chemical Brothers Hey Boy Hey Girl - May 1999.  I know there are more, but seriously the majority of the music he loves is as old as he is.   So clearly he is passionate about this music, but he also has an ear for it.  Daft Punk doesn't offer their sheet music for sale so Robotson sits down at a keyboard and figures it out for himself.  He's got a couple of songs that's he's worked out at part of them.  He also talks about what he hears in music and to be honest I have no idea what he's on about.  B does this too so it's good that they can talk to each other.  Robotson has never had a music lesson but he can pick up an instrument and make something decent come out whereas I can barely get out Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star (though I'm getting better!)  So there's that intersection of ability and passion.  I know he has other interests in science and technology, and he's also very intuitive with math, but I think he's headed for a career in music.  That's not to say I expect him to be playing to sold out stadiums.  It's just that not being around music would make for a very unhappy life for him.  I can't even imagine it. 

The girls aren't as easy to figure out, but they are very young still.  I knew Robotson loved music at four and five, but he wasn't using a computer to make it.  He didn't have an iPod even to play it when he wanted.  At five he was into trains and robots.  Sometimes I see little sparks that might be passions in the girls.  Dimples seems to have a love of color, drawing, and makeup.  All completely normal little girl things of course, but some of her drawings are very interesting.  She also puts colors together very well, something I only recently learned and it's an essential photography skill.  It's just hard to say where her passions will take her.  Funny Girl is similar.  She once had a great love for all things in the sea inspired by mermaids, but perhaps that was a passing phase.  Or maybe not.  Only time will tell.  I'm not worried because I plan to fully support their natural abilities and passions.  That's what I'm hoping to get out of this book.  And maybe along the way I'll find mine too.

Quotations of the Day

"Life is a foreign language; all men mispronounce it."

-Christopher Morley


"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength."

-Eric Hoffer

Quotations of the Day

"Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated."

-Jeph Jacques


"Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute."

-Josh Billings


"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."

-Bertrand Russell