This is what anxiety looks like

I found out tonight that a friend's baby has RSV.  Caught early, it's very likely that everything will be fine, but the baby has to stay at the hospital overnight just to be sure.  Even though she's in good hands and the hospital is very close for them, it's a nerve wracking experience for the parents, I am sure.  In normal situations, this news would make me feel concern and compassion for my friends.  I would want to help and would be thinking about them.  However, my brain is in overdrive where health is concerned.  So first I went to Dr. Google to find out what the symptoms of RSV are.  The baby has had a runny nose for a couple of weeks since she had a cold.  Nevermind that it's clear and not even constant.  I still thought maybe I needed to be concerned.   The list of symptoms for RSV are not things that the baby has.  None of them.  Yet I can't stop the panic from rising like maybe I'm missing something.  So I label it.  This is anxiety.  But then my brain says, "The baby has been fussy for two days.  She's sleeping a lot this evening.  The symptoms can set in quickly!" 

Yes, brain.  I know.  This is anxiety.

The baby has not been fussier than normal.  She has fussy days and not fussy days.  Before the term RSV even entered my mind, I knew that she was having some fussy days right now.  Plus she has gas.  That's why she keeps farting.  Yes the baby has slept a lot this evening.  She was awake almost all day long.  Babies need to sleep.  Maybe symptoms come quickly, but they aren't here now.   Take a deep breath. 

Look at her.  She is sleeping peacefully in your lap. She's breathing fine.  She has no fever.  She's nursing normally. 

Now notice what is around you.  Feel the keys under your fingers.  See the cat on the couch next to you.  Listen to the silent house.  Take a deep breath.  If something comes up, you deal with it then.  Right now everyone is safe.  There is no need for fear.  I have the choice. 

Last week and the present

Last week was a "good" week for me, but this week is much more difficult.  I say good with quotations because one of the things I'm supposed to be practicing is not giving things a specific value.  I'm supposed to try to view the world with equanimity. 

e·qua·nim·i·ty

[ee-kwuh-nim-i-tee, ek-wuh-] 

noun

mental or emotional stability or composure, especially under tension or strain; calmness; equilibrium.

 

equanimity
— n
	calmness of mind or temper; composure

 

Try it.  It's extremely difficult to do without practice.  

 

Another reason that good is in quotations is because last week was actually pretty awful.  My gramma had a stroke and is in the hospital (since moved to rehab).  I had taken the girls over to my mom's house over the weekend to visit her and then she went back to Dayton.  Monday she had some trouble and my cousin, who was in town for a funeral, was there to experience it.  It took all week for the doctors to decide what had actually happened, but it was a stroke.  Hopefully with medication and therapy, she'll be back home and as normal as one can be after something like this.  Between my gramma and some other commitments in my life, I just had too much on my mind last week to worry about myself.  

 

At first glance this week looked to be a nice laid back week.  See?  There I go again, labeling things.  I had no commitments this week, so I thought I could get a few things done around the house, read, and just generally work to heal myself.  Instead my fears crept back in.  It's nothing specific. Just a twinge here or there that will make me wonder if it's the beginning of something.  Today the baby was spitting up/throwing up a lot.  She's still happy, smiley, cooing, wetting diapers, napping, and nursing.  But what if she's not o.k.?????  I've cried a lot today.  

 

Funny though.  I have cried several times, but not the way that I want to cry.  I want to really let it out.  I want to really feel like I am delving into the pain and not just scratching the surface with tears of frustration, exhaustion, panic.  I got close tonight, but the baby was finally ready to sleep and I had to put my focus there.  Now she's sleeping and I don't want to disturb her.  

 

I wish I could list out all of the things that swirl around my head all day, but I don't know how.  

Starting Therapy

Had my first appointment with Elizabeth (the therapist) to help me work through my postpartum anxiety. Mostly I just gave her some background information about myself, previous pregnancies, and current life. She suggested I read Buddhism for Mothers and also gave me some techniques for keeping myself present and naming the anxiety. I'm going to work on reducing the number of times that I "check" all of my aches and pains. When it comes to my fears about the baby, I'm going to work on stating the situation without the emotions. Both the baby and I have been checked out and are in good health. Now I will learn how to recognize the fears and accept them as temporary feelings.

Even typing it all out, it seems so weird that I can't just get over it, but the past two months have proven that I can't.  

Six Week followup

Thursday was a rather long, but productive visit to the midwife.  My appt was at 2:30, but I didn't even get in until 4.  I was glad to see Anjli was in the office because I wanted to follow up with her and not Julie.  I had a chance to talk to her about everything that was on my mind.  During my check-in they had me fill out a questionnaire about how I was feeling and I scored a little high.  I'm not surprised.  I was telling her about all the fears I was having and having gone to the ER.  She said she wasn't surprised since I'd had a near death experience.  I was a little shocked.  I knew it was serious, but everyone had been so calm during the whole thing.  I mean they seemed busy and prepared, but it wasn't like you see on t.v. or anything.  I guess that's what I get for thinking real life is like television.  Anjli said it's their job to act professional, but I was in some real danger for a while there.  She said if I'd been at home, I wouldn't be there talking to her.  I just wouldn't have made it. 

Wow.

So she suggested I talk to someone and the woman she would refer me to was actually in the office right now.  I could talk to her after my appt and see if that was something I wanted to pursue.  I ended up talking to Elizabeth for about 30 minutes and she gave me her contact information.  Mostly she listened while I told her how I was feeling.  I followed up today with her to find out what to do next.  She also gave me some ideas on things that I can do to help me feel better and I'm hoping that things start to change soon.  I felt better after talking to her, but then today a lot of those fears crept back in, so I know it's going to take some work.

Otherwise, I am healthy and doing fine.  My uterus is small and where it should be, so I can stop worrying about further bleeding.  My weight is back to pre pregnancy (according to their records).  I still have 5lbs to go to get to where I really was.  My BP was good and they drew blood to make sure my iron levels are where they need to be.  I still renewed my prescription because I don't want to take any chances.  I've got the green light to resume all normal activities.  Now I just need to find the time.

I have another appt in April to see how things are going then.   

Anxiety

Two Sundays ago I had my mom take me to the emergency room.  I was afraid I had a blood clot.  It started with a soreness in my right calf, kind of like a deep bruise behind my birthmark.  There was no detectable bruise so the origin of the pain was a mystery.  Dr. Google though supplied me with hundreds of links to blood clots.  I had no other symptoms like redness, swelling, warm to the touch, or pain when standing and walking.  It really only hurt when I pushed in a certain spot - like a bruise only there was none.  I managed to keep my worry in check (mostly) by calling the nurse for her opinion and obsessively checking for more symptoms until I woke up on that Sunday with pain in my thigh.  Honestly, it felt like muscle pain, but I was too worried to be very reasonable.  I called the midwife and spoke to Anjli.  She suggested I put some heat on it and take some motrin.  If it wasn't feeling better in an hour, I should have it checked out and that's how I ended up in the ER.  I knew I was probably overreacting, but I couldn't help it.  They checked my blood for clotting and did an ultrasound on the deep veins, all of which came up negative.  My thigh felt better on Monday, but my calf still hurts.  I still have no other symptoms.  I don't know why my calf hurts, but B assures me that I have pain there every so often and it eventually goes away.  I know this is true, but I'm still really worried. 

Yesterday I was at Target getting a flu shot when a lady came up to the pharmacy asking about suppositories for babies.  She was explaining why she needed them.  She's supplementing with formula because she'd had a pulmonary embolism that had put her in the hospital for a few days and messed up her milk supply.  Plumonay embolism = blood clot.  I wanted to chase after her and find out every single detail.  Maybe her details would be similar to mine.  I didn't though. 

I've got my six week checkup on Thursday.  I'll ask about my leg, but it's likely they won't know what it is since it's not birth related.  I'm guessing they'll tell me to follow up with my PCP.  Hopefully they can help me with my anxiety though.  I feel awful.  Everything scares the crap out of me.  It's not just my leg.  Every twinge I feel sends me into panic mode.  I am not allowed to Google anything anymore.  I know this all started during the pregnancy, but it's not getting better.  I want to know why my leg hurts, but I know if it wasn't that it would be something else.  I hate feeling this way.

Books for 2013

Will I even have time to read for myself? 

I've already got the kids thinking about what they want to read next.  FunnyGirl is sticking with the Disney Fairies series.  I hope she wants to read In the Realm of the Never Fairies:  Secret World of Pixie Hollow soon.  She got it for Christmas and it's just a beautiful book. 

Dimples and Geshtro have not picked anything yet.

I'm going to start with the complete works of Sherlock Holmes.  I have a book and I downloaded them on Audible too.  Can't wait to get started. 

Post Pregnancy Changes

It's hard to remember exactly how I felt after my other pregnancies.  I was much more exhausted after the first three because they didn't let me sleep.  This time I get enough sleep to function reasonably well, though it's not my usual amount.  Being in the thick of it and also being more rested, I am maybe a little more aware of myself and how I feel.  Also each recovery is different.  It's only been three weeks, so I can't expect to have bounced back completely.  Some of my current complaints are: poor vision past 5ft or so, mild swelling in my legs, sore varicose vein in my right leg, my hair has begun falling out, and a hemorrhoid.  I am not sure what my weight loss has been because I am afraid to know, but I am not fitting into my pre-pregnancy clothes.  I've noticed some mental changes as well.  I have a hard time concentrating while reading, I am cursing like a sailor, I am extremely quick to temper, and I am still having feelings of foreboding. 

I think it will take a concentrated effort to get my correct brain back.  I will need to spend time practicing breathing and accepting how things are right now.   That goes for the physical changes too.  I need to try to enjoy this little person that my body created instead of fighting against the parts I don't like.  I'm going to need to try to get to the root of my continuing fear that something terrible is coming.  I thought it would go away, but clearly I haven't dealt with whatever it is yet.  Or maybe it was reinforced when I hemorrhaged.  My lochia has stopped, but I still worry that something is wrong with me and any minute I will lose blood pressure and that will be it.  I also spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about the baby, if everything is normal and as it should be. 

On top of all of that stuff, I've had those moments where I'm not sure I can handle it all.  How am I going to leave the house with four kids on my own?  Perhaps I felt the same way after Dimples, but I can't remember.  I'm not worried about losing someone, forgetting something, or being late.  I'm worried about losing my shit when they do normal kid stuff.  I really need to find that balance that I lost somewhere in the pregnancy.  It was never perfect, but it was better.  Maybe the coming weeks will help my mind and body continue to recover.  I certainly hope so at least. 

Birth Story

12/5/2012  2:23am
Apgar Score 9/9
Weight:  7lbs 11.5oz
Length:  20.5 inches

December 3rd I was eight days past due.  Paige (my doula) and I traveled downtown to have an ultrasound and an NST to be sure the baby and placenta were still thriving, and I had enough fluid around her.   Everything looked perfect.  They estimated her weight to be 7lbs 15oz and said her head was 9.5cm.  Then we went over to the midwife's office for my weekly check.  Everything there looked good as well.  My weight gain was 26lbs.  All BP readings had been normal and she was in the right position. I was 2cm dilated 80% effaced and very soft.  She suggested I pick up some red raspberry leaf tea and castor oil (only a teaspoon) to try to get things going.  I made another appointment for Thursday and we left.  Paige and I stopped at Whole Foods to pick up the RRL tea and castor oil, had some dinner, and drove home.  I began having a few contractions on the way home, but they fizzled out.  I made some tea and talked to B about taking the castor oil.  We decided to go to bed and see if we could squeeze in one more night's sleep.  I planned to take the oil around 3am.  During the night I started having more contractions.  I think I was sleeping through some, but a few would wake me up.  I got up a couple of times to have bowel movements too.  On December 4th, by 3am, I figured I didn't need castor oil since I was already using the bathroom and contracting.  I went back to bed instead.  Around 6am I woke up with a more forceful contraction and decided I'd try to keep track of them.  I think they were 5-7 minutes apart at this point and very easy to deal with.  I texted B to tell him about the contractions and ask him to find out when his mom might be available to watch the kids.  She wasn't going to be around until after 10am.  I also texted my mom to see if she was home, but she said only my dad was available.  We decided to have him come up since I was still having contractions around 7am.  I grabbed a quick shower since I was going to give it another hour and then call the midwife to see what she had to say.  I also texted Paige to let her know what was going on.  At 8am I called the midwife on call (Julie) and explained the contractions were about 5-7 minutes apart still, but that they were consistent no matter what I was doing.  She asked if I felt like this was the same as my other labors started and said yes.  I wasn't sure that was exactly true, but I wanted to get this done already and so I figured if I went all the way down there, they'd just keep me since I was already more than a week overdue.  She said to come in whenever, so I called Paige and told her we were going to leave at 9am and hopefully get there by 10:30am. 

B and I arrived shortly after Paige and we met in the lobby.  Unfortunately, on the way to the hospital my contractions had completely stopped.  I was determined to make them let me stay.  Surely all the contractions that morning had dilated me more, right?  So we get in and they are expecting us.  We go through admissions which I thought meant that we were admitted.  Apparently, it does not as we would find out later.  They don't have a room ready for me yet, so we were sent out to the waiting room.  Paige and I decided I'd better get walking if I wanted to start those contractions again and she helped me find the pressure points on my hands to bring them on.  This worked very well, especially on my right hand.  I could keep contracting while walking, but when I sat down they stopped.  We just walked around this little lobby over and over trying to keep me going until the nurse (Bettye) came to get me.   Once we got into the room, they hooked me up to the monitors.  I had to be hooked up for at least 30 minutes to monitor the baby's heart rate and my contractions, which as you can guess had stopped again.  Finally Julie came in to check me.  I was no further along at all.  This morning was very much looking like a false alarm, but I was desperate to be able to stay.  The kids were taken care of, we were here, and I was overdue.  Why was this getting so complicated?

Julie said she'd give me a few hours to get going.  Her suggestions were walking, sex, nipple stimulation, and squatting.  Paige and I got ready to walk.  I pressed the pressure points in my hands and squatted during contractions.  We did this for a couple of hours.  Sometimes Paige would walk with me, sometimes B.  I took a couple of breaks because it was exhausting to keep up and I knew I had a long day ahead of me.  I also got monitored a couple of times, but the contractions weren't consistent when I was still.  Around 4pm Julie came back to check me.  I was 2-4cm she said.  The problem was my cervix was super stretchy and she wasn't sure what to call it.  Bettye offered to check and she called it a 4cm.  Thank you, Bettye!  Julie reluctantly agreed to admit me (wasn't I already admitted????) and I could stay and have this baby.   Julie again strongly encouraged sex and nipple stimulation.  I wasn't as excited about these two options and opted to keep walking for a while.  I felt like the contractions were getting stronger even if they weren't staying consistent.   I was starting to get discouraged though because it felt like we were pushing something that wasn't ready to happen.  Maybe we should just go home and come back later.  I just worried that the next time I wouldn't trust my instincts since I was clearly not getting it right this time.  I also felt like if we went home, it would be impossible to get back the next time.  Just too much had to come together to get the kids covered and us to the hospital.  It had been a constant source of stress the entire pregnancy.   A couple of times during the afternoon I broke down sobbing.  Sometimes it was the stress of feeling like I had made a mistake about being in labor.  Once I cried remembering that my FIL had come to see me before each birth and he wasn't going to be there this time.  Also at one point while walking I had a scintillation scotoma.  Another worry that I'd had all pregnancy was having one during labor and here it was.

We got back to walking and monitoring for a couple of hours.  Finally I agreed to try nipple stimulation while on the monitors since I couldn't move.  I really didn't think it was going to work, but it did.  I got myself contracting pretty good then and when I stopped stimulating, I kept contracting!  Finally, my body was responding.  Not sure what time it was, but I think around 6:30pm.  Julie noticed that my walking had slowed and I was having to stop for contractions.  She said shift change was coming up and Anjli would be taking over, so she would check me next time.  Time is a little hard to remember here.  I know there was a lot of walking with intermittent monitoring. 

Up to this point, I had been focusing on relaxing into the contraction instead of tensing.  I'd make sure my face, hands, shoulders, and uterus were as relaxed as possible.  I also visualized the muscles in my uterus pulling my cervix open for the baby.  I ran through the quotations in my head that I had compiled over the months of my pregnancy to help me remember that I was capable of handling these moments.  Paige was a huge help reminding me when she saw me tense up.  She also helped me breathe deeply into my uterus with each contraction.  When my contractions started to get more intense, I wanted to try counter pressure on my hips (thank you, Liz for that suggestion!)  This is an amazing relief.  It can literally take the pain completely away.  It takes a lot of effort from your birth partners though.

I began to really want to get into the water.  I didn't know if I was dilated more, but I knew that I needed a change.  If I could get into the water, I might relax and dilate more.  If it all stopped, I'd get out and walk.  Julie wouldn't let me get in the tub though.  She said hospital policy was not before 7cm and I wasn't there.  However, Anjli said her policy was when I was ready, she was ready, as long as I agreed to get out if it wasn't working.  Agreed!  So she went to set it up and I decided to get into the shower instead.  B came with me to do the counter pressure on my hips.  We stayed in there for a while and I lost my plug.  I began to have so much more confidence in my body and how we could do this together.  We asked for Anjli to come back and give us an update on the tub.  There was a problem.  Hospital policy said there had to be a dedicated nurse during water births and they were short staffed.  As soon as I could have a nurse to myself, they would set up the tub.  I had gotten out of the shower to get checked (around 9:30pm I was 5cm), but decided to get back in since it had helped before and I couldn't get a tub yet.  While in the shower, it really hit me that the contractions were getting more painful and it was looking like I wasn't going to have a water birth.  I was crying and telling B that I didn't want to do this "on land" without pain meds.  We needed to talk to Anjli about an epidural because a decision had to be made before I hit transition.  We were both so very disappointed and angry.  We'd spent money and I'd missed part of Funny Girl's birthday to attend the required water birth class where they specifically told us that they'd never had a issue where you couldn't have a water birth if you wanted one.  Now here we were and I couldn't have one.  I have to admit, this was a huge blow to my confidence from before.

The second shower was not helping at all so I soon got out.  I was done walking too.  I got on the bed leaning over the back so that Paige and B could be on either side of me when a contraction hit for the counter pressure.  By now I needed significantly more pressure from them.  I could feel them shaking from fatigue, but it was so much easier when they helped me.  I will be forever grateful.  As for the epidural talk, it just sort of fizzled.  Everyone was telling me that I could do this.  So I thought, well maybe if I just could get a break.  Since I wasn't getting into the tub, maybe I could have an I.V. and a temporary pain reliever?  This talk also fizzled when Anjli told us that those meds given close to the birth could affect the baby, so I needed to keep that in mind.  By 10:30pm I'd made it to 7cm.  Now we started talking about breaking my water, but this is something I had wanted to happen naturally.  I simultaneously wanted to break it as it would likely speed things up, and also did not want to increase the intensity because it was already pretty intense.  Although something very interesting was going on with my contractions.  All day they had been sort of erratic.   Sometimes they had a pattern, but then I'd get a break for a while where there were none.  I'd also have contractions that didn't hurt at all and some that were involuntary pushing, but not painful.  Those were pretty cool.  It seemed like my body was easing me into labor slowly, but steadily.

From my last check (10:30pm) to about 2am on December 5th, I just dealt with the contractions while Paige and B helped me.  Anjli checked me at 2am and said I was at 8cm, but easily stretched to 10.  I should try pushing with my next couple of contractions to bring the baby down.  I did with the hope that my water would break on it's own.  It wasn't happening so I finally said, "Let's just do this."  I also told everyone in the room to remember that I really did like all of them despite what I might say in the next few minutes.  Anjli broke my water (which seemed to be harder than we expected) and it was going.  Those next contractions were the hardest and then my body took over pushing during some of them.  This is where the cursing started.  I remember saying "no" during some of the contractions too.  Anjli told me to say yes instead.  I really tried, but it was difficult.  I felt her crown, and the ring of fire wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.  Then I felt her head push out, but I thought it was more than just her head and kept asking them why they weren't taking her out already??  B confirmed later it was just her head.  I had to wait that 30 seconds for the next contraction and that was tough.  The next one had her out though and up on my stomach, crying and amazing.  I had a small first degree tear that Anjli sewed up, but has caused absolutely no discomfort.  In fact, I never even used a peripad with this recovery, which is a first. 

The after birth was complicated and scary.  I delivered the placenta maybe 10 minutes after the baby and a significant amount of blood and clots came along with it.  A few minutes later, another significant gush of clots came and Anjli began to worry I was hemorrhaging.  To me, it sounded like people were beginning to talk in a tunnel far away from me.  I remember thinking, "Wow, that's odd." I also remember not caring much.  I was more curious than scared.  I was hooked up to an I.V. and set up with fluids and pitocin to get my uterus contracting.  They also needed to type my blood because they hadn't been done blood work on admission and they needed to be prepared in case I needed a transfusion.  The fluids stabilized me and they lowered my head down so I began to feel better.  We were left in the room to nurse and rest while they monitored my BP for a couple of hours.  It took readings every 15 minutes and while my numbers improved, they never got back to normal  Then around 5am my BP began to drop.  I'd raised my head a bit to get a better position for nursing which the baby did constantly.  But sitting more upright made me feel dizzy so we laid it back down.  The BP monitor would alarm when it got a low reading, but no one was coming to turn it off and we were all trying to sleep.  B started to get up and turn it off when it would sound because I told him I felt fine.  I thought maybe the cuff was positioned incorrectly.  Around 6:30am the nurse came in to help me get up and use the bathroom.  Then they were going to get us moved to a recovery room.  While she was setting up, I told her I wasn't feeling well.  She asked if I was dizzy and I wanted to shake my head, but I don't think I was able to.  Next thing I knew the most awful smell in the world was in my face and I was trying to get away from it.  When I opened my eyes, my head was facing a bucket and there was a smelling salt in there.  I remember the nurse told me to keep my face toward the smell.  It's sort of a blur at that point.  I remember B holding the baby and Anjli talking to me.  Everyone seemed so far away again.  I wondered if I should be scared.   They asked me if I was o.k. with a blood transfusion?  Yes.  Could I sign the paper?  Yes.  I was then set up with another I.V. for blood and more fluids in the other arm.  B said it was terrifying.  Anjli had to talk to him and promised him that I was going to be alright.  They both said I had no color at all.   While we waited for the blood to arrive, since I was stable again, I nursed the baby some more.  Anjli said I was amazing.  She didn't know many women that could have gone through that long labor, natural delivery, subsequent issues, and nurse their baby while waiting for a blood transfusion.  I didn't think it was particularly amazing.  I just felt like that's what I was supposed to be doing.  When the blood arrived, I was set up to get four units.  It took the next six or so hours to get everything in me.  I steadily felt better and was able to lift the bed back up.  By 2pm, we were anxious get into a recovery room and begin the process of waiting 24 hours to go home.  I continued to improve, only having one more slight scare on our first night home when I passed a very large blood clot.  After that, I've had no more issues. 

Children's book update December 2012

Decided to swap out a book so I could read Stardust by Neil Gaiman.   I don't know if I want to read the last two anymore. 


The  Borrowers by Mary Norton

Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen

Peter Pan in Scarlet by Geraldine McCaughrean

The View from Saturday by E. L. Konigsburg

The Shakespeare Stealer by Gary Blackwood

Utterly Me, Clarice Bean by Lauren Child

The Moffats by Eleanor Estes

Arabel and Mortimer by Joan Aiken

Surviving the Applewhites by Stephanie Tolan

Stardust by Neil Gaiman

The Wright 3 by Blue Balliett

Trollbridge: A Rock 'N' Roll Fairy Tale by Jane Yolen and Adam Stempl

39 Weeks

One week left, give or take a couple of days.  Mostly feeling alright, though I'm having bouts of nausea and tiredness.  Wish I just knew when she was coming already so I could stop constantly thinking about it.  I guess it's a perfect time to practice being patient and deep breathing. 

Good news, horrible news, good news

Every night before I go to sleep, I think about each of my babies being born.  I try to remember exactly how they happened from recent reads of my birth stories and from trying to recollect the feelings I had while living them.  I accept the hard parts and the scary parts and the beautiful parts.  This has helped me feel acceptance for the unknown in Norah's upcoming birth.  I know that no matter what happens, I will be left with hard, scary, and beautiful memories, but that it will all be worth it. 

There was a woman in my due date club that lost her baby at 38.5 weeks.  She wrote about what happened and as of now they don't know why he died.  Her loss is unimaginable.  It has made me hyper-aware of every single movement I feel from Norah.  I'll be 38 weeks tomorrow.  In a way, I want her to stay where she is forever nestled safely inside of me where I can protect her.  On the other hand, I can't say for sure I can even do that, and of course pregnancy has it's limits.  I hope I can find ways to enjoy the next couple of weeks despite the aches and pains.  I'm very lucky to have carried four healthy perfect children.  This part of my life will soon be over and I am grateful for the experiences that I have had. 

Despite being nearly 38 weeks pregnant, I am still mostly feeling well.  I don't feel utterly exhausted all of the time.  I have good days and bad, but for the most part I feel well rested.  I am still not swelling.  My hips hurt occasionally, but not every single night which is probably why I am sleeping fairly well.  Heartburn comes and goes.  I have contractions on some days and not on others.  Norah is not lying on my bladder and only sometimes gives me those awful pelvic pains.  Overall, I am still really surprised that I can find myself completely comfortable, feeling perfectly well, and even forgetting I am about to have a baby.  Had all of my pregnancies been this easy, I may have wanted more than four.  As it is, I'm perfectly content to go out on a good note.   I'm fairly excited to see how her birth plays out.  I wonder if it will go smoothly or be completely the opposite of what I expect.  Only time will tell. 

Labor Fears

Have I mentioned before that the pain of labor scares the crap out of me?  I know I'm all signed up for a water birthing class and keep talking about having a non-medicated birth, but I often doubt my ability to go through with it.  I think about how I have long labors (10+ hours) and worry that I will be in pain for such a long time that it will wear me down.  As with anything I'm afraid of though, I've been trying to accept my feelings.  So finally I decided I needed to do something other than think about it.  I've been collecting quotations to take with me to the birth, and last night I decided to look up non-medicated birth stories.  While reading some of them it occurred to me that I had my own story to read.  Funny Girl's birth was a water birth and it was med-free.  It's amazing how much I didn't really remember.  Here's a snippet. 

I had my blood drawn at 7:02pm. At this point my contractions were 2 minutes apart when walking and 4 if I was sitting. At 7:30 I filled out some forms for the stay. Still during all of this the contractions were manageable by relaxing all of my muscles and not tensing up. I focused on keeping myself relaxed and it worked. I was surprised at how "easy" it seemed. Although I have to admit that the contractions were worse after the cushion of my bag of water was gone. By 7:48pm my contractions were less than 2 minutes apart. The nurses had told me that when I was ready to get into the tub I needed to let them know since it takes a while to fill up. By 8pm I was really beginning to feel like I needed something else to distract me so I asked them to start filling it up.

I was able to get in at 8:20pm and we filled it the rest of the way up by 8:25pm. It was really lovely and hot and soothing at first. I think I handled it pretty well until just before 9pm. 

  On the next contraction she was out and up on my tummy! It was 9:57pm.

So even though I had been in labor all afternoon, it didn't really get difficult until I was two hours from being done and really it was only the last hour that was very hard.  I skipped a lot of the details between 9 and her birth, but suffice it to say, it was intense.   Anyway,  I did it.  Dimples birth was much different, but I made it to a similar point with her before I needed additional pain relief.  Instead of water it was an epidural though.    With Geshtro, I was in the pushing stage before I needed pain relief.  Clearly I can get through most of labor before I wuss out.  The key is being able to stay focused right there at the end.  I'm going to keep reminding myself of this, collection quotations, and accepting that there is an uncertainty in birth that is unavoidable. 

This is the last time I am going to give birth and I'd really like to do it in the water.  Since I've made that choice, I need to focus on being prepared for the hard times and stop worrying about the unknown.

Here are the quotations I've collected so far:

“Suffering is not caused by pain but by resisting pain.”~Unknown

"Pain is not a sign of weakness, but bearing it alone is a choice to grow weak."  Lori Deschene

"Feelings are real and legitimate." - Unknown

"Always concentrate on how far you’ve come, rather than how far you have left to go." Unknown

"If you don’t like something change it; if you can’t change it, change the way you think about it."  Mary Engelbreit

"Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing."  Unknown

"Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness."  James Thurber

“It’s not the load that breaks you down; it’s the way you carry it.” ~Lena Horne

“Since you alone are responsible for your thoughts, only you can change them.” ~Paramahansa Yogananda

"The power and intensity of your contractions cannot be stronger than you, because it is you."  Unknown

“He is able who thinks he is able.” ~Buddha

Stupid scintillating scotomas

I had another scotoma today and ever since I've just felt off.  That's normal, I've felt that way after each one.  I have to accept the feelings and know that it will be better tomorrow.  It made me cry this time because I just really did not want to have another one.  That makes four total and three in the last three months.  Even though I know it's not a sign that something is wrong in the pregnancy (because I have no symptoms of problems) and I know that these are common and don't mean BRAIN PROBLEM, I just worry.   Likely, I'll never have another after Norah is born.  Or even if I do, a trip to a neurologist should confirm that they are relatively common.  I have no reason at all to worry, but I definitely don't like them. 

I feel so lame complaining that for 30 minutes I get some blurry vision and then have to take it easy the rest of the day.  There are people with real problems.  I also know that I'll have trouble sleeping now for a while and the fears of dying will be back.  Stupid brain and it's stupid overreactions.  I feel like crying again, and I probably should, but then I might get a sinus headache.  So I'm holding it in and trying to stay busy.  This is the wrong plan.  I know this, but it's feels like too much to deal with right now.  Maybe after everyone else is in bed I will just let go and feel.  But not right now.

Children's book update Oct 2012

Still reading, but I may not finish at this point.


The  Borrowers by Mary Norton - reading with the girls

Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen

Peter Pan in Scarlet by Geraldine McCaughrean

The View from Saturday by E. L. Konigsburg - reading for me

The Shakespeare Stealer by Gary Blackwood

Utterly Me, Clarice Bean by Lauren Child

The Moffats by Eleanor Estes

Arabel and Mortimer by Joan Aiken

The Wright 3 by Blue Balliett

Trollbridge: A Rock 'N' Roll Fairy Tale by Jane Yolen and Adam Stemple

Surviving the Applewhites by Stephanie Tolan

The Thief and the Beanstalk by P. W. Catanese

Little update

I've been meaning to update, but there has been no time.  As it is now, I am racing against my laptop's battery so this will be short and sweet. 

As for the anxiety I was feeling - it's still there once in a while.  I have more good days than bad, but it always helps to acknowledge my fears and allow them their space.  I am doing what I can to allow myself to address any real issues that I can and then trying to remember to let go of anything that I can not control. 

I am nearly 32 weeks pregnant now.  As I type, Norah is hiccuping away.  She seems quite healthy and strong in there, not that we have any reason to doubt this.  I am measuring four weeks ahead, but I'm not showing it.  I am otherwise on target for weight gain (19lbs) and all tests are normal.   I expect I'm in this one for the long haul, as I was with all the others.  I have to admit that I've been lucky with this pregnancy.  I sleep perfectly at night without getting up over and over for the bathroom.  I am not having hip pain which plagued me in all three of the others.  I am tired, but not needing naps during the day. 

I'm off to update other blogs. 

Allowing my feelings

I'm full of anxiety.  It's probably heightened by pregnancy hormones.  I'm sure it's related to losing my FIL earlier this year.  It's made a little worse by two weird eye vision issues that I need to have checked out soon (though there is no reason to think there is a problem.) 

Anyway, I worry that I will die.  I mean, of course I will die.  I worry more specifically that it will be soon.  It's not me I am really concerned about either.  It's the kids, it's B.  How can they survive without me?  Sounds a bit egocentric, doesn't it? 

I find myself trying to push back the fear and worry.  I try to ignore it, but it pops back up.  It's worse at night.  It's pretty bad tonight.  I want to cry and maybe to talk to someone, but I feel like I need to be strong and keep it to myself.  I don't need to cry in front of the kids.  Thoughts keep spinning around my head. 

Then I remember that thoughts are transient.  Just because I am thinking something, that does not make it true.  Emotions on the other hand are valid.  I have a real fear of dying and causing pain to the people I love.  It may be all in my head, but the fear is real.  I can sit with that fear.  I can breathe with it.  I can accept it for what it is and know that it is o.k. for me to have this emotion. 

I was lying in bed when I realized this.  I decided I wanted to get up and write it out.  I wanted to let myself cry if I needed.  I wanted to allow myself to be worried and find my way to the other side.  Acceptance will bring peace and then I can sleep.  I don't want to spend my life pushing back what I feel and letting it eat me from the inside. 

I feel better.

I'm a little stressed right now.  There are several things about to happen and I'm not sure I am ready or even willing to participate.  I need to sit with those emotions too.  I need to allow myself to examine these parts of myself and find comfort.  Maybe I can write a few of them out here and that will help too. 

Quotation of the Day

"There are so many factors beyond our control. When we seek validation from someone else, we put power in that person’s hands."  - Scott Van Dort

Quotations of the Day

"School is learning things you don't want to know, surrounded by people you wish you didn't know, while working toward a future you don't know will ever come."  --Dave Kellett

End of the summer

It seems weird that this week is over when it took so long to plan.  Dimples turned five today.  I still can't really believe it.

I saw the midwife on Monday.  I've gained 17 lbs which seems like a lot to me.  I've got so many things coming up to prepare for the birth.  I have to take a water birth class (umm...why?) or they won't allow me set up the birthing pool.  I'm sort of bummed that it's a pool and not an actual tub, but seeing as how I have no choice in the matter, I need to take this class.  I also need to tour the hospital.  A friend has offered to be my doula this time and I am so happy to know that I'll have a female with me the entire time.  I need to get some information to her about appointments and things for the birth.  My next appointment is when I take the GTT.  Hopefully I'll pass and that will be the end of that.  The drive up there and back is brutal and will only getting harder the further I along I am.  I think that's the last major hurdle I have to go through before the actual labor. 

It's hard to describe being pregnant this time around.  Some days I feel small and not very pregnant.  Others I feel huge and can't seem to find a way to sit, stand, or lie.  More often now I feel completely drained.  I'm not sleepy, but I find myself in bed a lot during the day because getting up is so tiring.  I keep hoping I'll get some energy back before I get really huge.

I think our summer activities are at an end and we'll be resuming our regular routines.  Going to the pool is fun for a while, but even the kids seem to get tired of it after a while.  It's really hot out though so I don't know how much time we'll be spending outdoors.  We plan to go to the beach a few more times and hopefully visit a few indoor locations to get back into the swing of things.  I also want to read more with the kids again.  I know they enjoy it and I do too.  I don't know why it's so hard to keep up, but I hope we can find a way to fit it back in.  None of them likes to read on their own, so we have a house full of books that no one is reading.  Oddly I've been reading like crazy this year, but it's not rubbing off on anyone else. 

I feel like I've been in my head a lot more lately, which is a good thing.  For a while I felt like I had lost the ability to find that mindfulness.  I had gotten too caught up in everything around me and it was taking up too much of my thoughts.  This summer has helped me realize some thing about myself and what I need to stay centered.  I'm not always centered, but I have some better ideas.  I'll probably still struggle with balancing what I think is expected of me (us) and what I (we) really need.  I wonder if I'll slip back into the way things were, or I'll be able to keep a better path going forward.

Quiet: Part Two & Three

So biologically extrovert and introvert brains work differently.  I'm still getting the impression that many of the bad things that happen in our society are because extroverts over run the more cautious introverts.  It's funny how much I want to nod my head and agree with her.  It's all those people who won't listen to reason, who barrel on ahead without a backward glance that are causing everything to go wrong.  If they would just shut up and listen to the thinkers for once everything would be fine. 

She's not really saying that....exactly.  I mean she sort of did say that, but then she backtracks and says introverts get swept up in the excitement and make bad decisions too.  I don't know.  I can't seem to really get behind her even though I want to. 

In part three she talks about cultural differences.  Americans are generally extroverted and Asians are generally introverted.  She had some cherry picked quotations to sort of back her up. 

I thought the book would be more about introverts in general.  Hopefully the last part will focus on how introverts can use their strengths.  She's talked about it throughout the book, but it still seems like the focus so far is on how being extroverted is a problem. 

Time to rest

I was just reading Quiet to take my mind off of today, but I think writing it out might work better.  This has been a weird week for me.  I found myself with some extra time at home so I tried to get some chores done.  Only every time I started something I began to feel achy at the bottom of my uterus.  I'd rest and try again, only for it to happen again.  I haven't been exercising very consistently the last two weeks either.  Some instinct is kicking in and trying to get me to relax, but I'm bored.  I don't want to read or watch t.v.  I want to clean and do my 45 minutes on the treadmill.  The less I can do these things, the more I mope around unable to do anything.  Yesterday I thought I'd just say screw it and do some yard work even if I felt a little bad.  Well I got stung by a wasp so that was the end of that.  Clearly I'm supposed to be lying down. 

Well today I felt fine so we went grocery shopping.  A bathroom trip revealed brown spotting though and it really freaked me out.  I'd been feeling weird twinges of pain all day and the possible sight of blood (even old blood) was enough to send me home to bed for the rest of the day.  This has never happened to me before and it's much more scary than I ever thought it would be.  It doesn't help that it's Friday and there is no way to talk to anyone until Monday.  Anyway, the good news is that there has been no more spotting and the pains have gone.  A very awesome friend has advised me to do as little as possible for at least 24 hours after the pangs or until Monday when I can call the midwife.  She's right.  I've just never felt like I needed to take it easy before.  I've always felt sort of invincible as the ultimate pregnancy machine. 

The spotting is not totally unexpected anyway.  At my ultrasound I was shown a small tear in the placenta.  They asked if I'd had any bleeding or spotting at the time and said it would heal on it's own.  Nothing to worry about.  Also the baby is moving around in there, seemly happy as a clam so I'm not very worried about her.  Yes, her!  I guess I should mention that we are expecting another girl! 

So I'll be 20 weeks on Sunday.  Hopefully all the twinges are just everything growing.  Hopefully there is no more spotting.  I plan on doing a whole lot of nothing all weekend and calling the midwife on Monday either way.  And now I'm going back to reading.

Quiet: Part One

I'm reading Quiet by Susan Cain.  It seems to be pretty popular and since I consider myself an introvert, I felt it was a must-read. 



At the end of part one though, I'm not sure if I am totally on board with her or not.  I enjoyed the parts about the culture of character and it's change to the culture of personality.  It definitely made me think and touched on some topics that B and I have discussed over the years, though not from that point of view.  However, the overall vibe I get is that being extroverted is not good.  I don't think she means to say this, but it's just how it feels so far.  The extroverted people she has chosen to talk about are people that seem very annoying to me.  Surely there are extroverts out there that aren't trying to sell you something or indoctrinate you into their religion.  I'm hoping that she has some better examples later in the book. 

Part two is about biology.  This should be interesting...

Pregnant again

I haven't blogged about being pregnant yet.  Not this pregnancy, I mean.  I clicked on the "pregnancy" tag just to see what sorts of things I was writing about with Dimples, but it doesn't even sound like me.  They aren't so much pregnancy posts anyway as they are life posts.  Blogging about being pregnant wouldn't be very good reading since I'm usually grumpy.  This time is no exception.

There isn't much to say about this current pregnancy.  I'm 17weeks 4days.  I've gained 12lbs, but I swear most of that is in my breasts.  I got sick, with what I now think was pertussis, early in the first trimester and I felt more m/s this time, but no throwing up.  The second trimester has been mostly o.k. except for my feeling very irritable.  I can feel the baby move nearly every day at this point, but it's mostly in the morning or late at night.  During the day I often forget I'm even pregnant.

People keep asking me if I prefer a boy or girl.  My kids love the story of how I wanted a particular gender with each one and what they were actually.  This time I guess I would prefer a girl, but it's not even a real preference.  It's more like a girl would be easier to fit into our current situation.  When asked though, I always say I think it's a boy.  I don't know why I think this, but I do.  Ultimately I don't mind either way.  We'll find out next week so those questions will end soon enough anyway.

I'm planning to have another water birth at Atlanta Medical and seriously considering using a doula this time.  Other than that, I'm just taking it one day at a time and trying to find a way to balance my mood.  I'm failing quite miserably at that, but I keep trying. 

Responsibility

Both this blog and my other are being neglected.  It's not for lack of things to write about, but sometimes I'm not sure how much of myself I want to put "out there" and sometimes I just don't have the time.  I've composed entire posts in my head only to completely lose them later because I couldn't write them down.  Then there are times like right now where I technically have some free time, but I'm probably not in the right place to be writing.  I'm afraid it will come off as me beating myself up.  I'm sure that's because I'm not a terribly strong writer and I can't get my thoughts out the way I want them to sound without more time to think and reflect.  That's where I am today, little time to write but I realized something this morning and I wanted to get it out of my head.

If you want to raise kids with a strong work ethic who do not complain when the hard things need to be done, you need to be that person first.  

Here is how I came to that (and I know this is not a revelation really, but sometimes I need to be hit in the head with things before I can really see them.)  Geshtro woke up at noon.  The dog was already downstairs waiting to be fed and let out.  Geshtro came upstairs (walking right past him) and immediately picked up his iTouch and headphones so he could not hear the dog whining.  I got Geshtro's attention and let him know the dog was waiting for him.  His response to me was,  "I just want to relax on my day off.  I just want to come upstairs, sit down, and listen to my music."  So I went down to take the dog out.  He followed me, of course.  He knows he is supposed to take the dog out and despite his complaining, he does feel badly about it when someone else does it.  This doesn't stop him from procrastinating daily though, or complaining about it.  He started to go into how it's his day off (We unschool, but I still have some restrictions on electronics.  Sundays and Mondays are no restrictions.)  Sarcastically, I said I had forgotten he had worked 60+ hours this week, but oh that was B.  Even more sarcastically I said that I had then forgotten how he was pregnant, homeschooling three kids, and running a household.  No wait, that was me.  My parting shot was a comment about how all of his days were "days off" and I didn't think he had a point.   He left the basement and me to finish taking care of the dog. 

I came back upstairs in a foul mood.  In my head, I am totally justified in what I said and it's easy to reaffirm my own beliefs in this conversation.  I'm hormonal too, so I'm on the verge of crying.  This isn't how I want to be though.  I want to be mindful of the things I say and the messages I am sending.  I want to stop the conversation in my head that isn't making me feel any better.  I want to try to help my son to be a person who takes his responsibility seriously. 

So I have to think about what I need to be doing and that's when it hits me.  When I am interrupted, I say similar things to what Geshtro said to me.  I may have been on my feet all day long, having finally gotten a chance to sit down when one of the kids comes up and reminds me that I said I'd do something.  Or maybe they are hungry.  Or maybe they are having trouble getting to sleep.  I think I can say with confidence that my first reaction is not to help them.  At best, I may sigh loudly and then get up.  At worst, I go into the reasons why this is very inconvenient for me as I've done x, y, and z and I just need a rest.  It's really no wonder that Geshtro would pick up on this.  He has been hearing it for 11 years. 

The thing is that while what I am saying is true, and let's be honest what he says is really rather silly, the truth is that it doesn't matter.  I never saw the hard work my parents did when I was a child, and my kids aren't likely to really get it until they are doing it themselves either.  That comes with age and experience.  However, if I want them to look back and think of me as the mom who valued the work she did in raising them, I really need to stop making it seem like it's such a chore.  I'll probably still complain from time to time, but I could certainly do a lot better about taking a couple of deep breaths (minus the sighing theatrics) before I get back up.  I can find a way to center myself and try to remember that this is a marathon, not a sprint.   And when my kids mimic back to me the things they have learned to say, I can keep the sarcasm out of my voice or keep my mouth shut completely.  I need to realize that I taught them how to talk like that.  I can teach them how to stop too. 

This only leaves me wondering one thing.  If Geshtro is not going to get up before noon, maybe the dog responsibilities need to be changed.  I am really opposed to this because it basically means that I will have to do it.  I've tried to talk to Geshtro several times about the dog and his needs, but it's made no impact.  In a way, I feel like if I take over the dog that I am saying it's o.k. for him to blow it off because someone else will do it.  On the other hand, it's really not fair to the dog to have to wait so long.  I'm really just not sure what to do.

Book update

Remember that post about me reading some children's literature this year?  I'm a little behind, but I have been reading.  Here is my list so far:


The Wright 3 by Blue Balliett

The  Borrowers by Mary Norton - reading with the girls

Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen

Trollbridge: A Rock 'N' Roll Fairy Tale by Jane Yolen and Adam Stemple

Surviving the Applewhites by Stephanie Tolan

Peter Pan in Scarlet by Geraldine McCaughrean

The Thief and the Beanstalk by P. W. Catanese

The View from Saturday by E. L. Konigsburg - reading for me

The Shakespeare Stealer by Gary Blackwood
 
Utterly Me, Clarice Bean by Lauren Child

The Moffats by Eleanor Estes

Arabel and Mortimer by Joan Aiken